I'm so happy you care ♥

Sometimes it amazes me just how much God really does care about us. I personally am someone who messes up on a daily basis with stupid stuff and yet at the end of the day God still just wants me to sit and talk to him about everything in my life.

We serve a God that is so big that he even cares about the little things in our lives. God wants to tell me things and talk to me about my future. He's made me promises that have been hard to trust in lately, but at the end of the day when i come to him all frustrated all i hear is "did you forget who's in charge? Just trust me."

I know personally it's extremely hard to trust in something you can't physically put your eyes on at times. In the past few months God has given me so much insight on what he has in store for my future, but right now it's all like a giant puzzle with a large majority of the pieces still missing. It's difficult when i look at the big picture and still see the cracks. Something God has been teaching me a lot about lately whether I want to learn it or not is how to be patient when listening to his voice. Sometimes when i know God is speaking to me about something i get rather impatient and expect results right away and when i don't see them i get really upset and start to worry, but something i have to always remember is God ALWAYS has a plan. He won't tell me something and then take it back. When God speaks, I have to listen and trust him.

I know it can be hard at times when going through life day by day waiting on things to change and waiting for what seems like forever to have a breakthrough, but sometimes God needs us to walk through the valleys so he can help pull us up to the top of the mountain. I know I can't give up on what God has said to me. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and cares for me and wants what's best for me. I'm thankful for a God who no matter how I feel always wants to know how i feel even on the bad days. I'm thankful for a God who cares about me more than anyone on this earth ever could. ♥

So my word to you is this, don't take God for granite, all he wants to do is sit and talk to you. He cares about you more than you can even imagine. He wants to know everything about you, what's holding you back from pouring your heart out to him? He'll never tell you anything that he knows you couldn't handle hearing. He blows me away with all the amazing things he's done for me and everything he's spoken to me. I have faith that everything he says is true, even on days of doubt. I hope you can find that same faith and realize today that God really does care about you. Don't forget that. (:

& along came my Best Friend =]

God is so good to me lately; I can hardly handle how much good stuff he's poured into my life over these past few months. I have found new ways to thank him each and every day. (:

God has given me so much peace and patience over these past few months. I’ve seen God create a miracle in ways I never imagined possible. I’ve physically seen God’s hand guiding my life and it’s been an incredible experience for me.

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged so I’m going to use this time to tell you guys about what’s been going on with me the past few months and talk to you about what God’s been doing to me. & also I'm going to talk to you about my best friend. (:

Okay so after graduation at Master’s last year I was pumped and ready to go for God and start looking into what it was that God was calling me into for the coming semester. I started out fine and was ready to go, but then a wall quickly went up between God and I because of all the junk that instantly starting filling my life. I started to go through a lot of crap with people from the past and started to deal with things in ways I shouldn’t have. I knew I wasn’t at a good place in my life.

I got extremely hurt this summer and I kind of took it the completely wrong way than I should have. I have been hurt in the past, but this summer I felt like was just my breaking point where I was like, will the hurt ever just stop? I finally said "okay God, if you want to keep letting me get into situations that hurt me then I’ll move on and pretend I’m okay with it." & that’s exactly what I did. I went on for the next few months saying I was perfectly fine and I started to do some stupid stuff and talk to people I shouldn’t have been talking to when in all honesty I knew deep down all I was doing was trying to fill a hole. At church and around my good friends, I put on a fake face and pretended I was fine, because inside I was empty and alone.

I specifically remember one night in general where I heard God just gently whisper my name when I was about to go out with a friend who I knew would have ended in a bad situation and that’s when I was like I can’t do this anymore I can’t pretend. When I heard that I felt like a little girl when her daddy gets home from work getting ready to just run into her daddy’s arms because she missed him so much! I was so longing to hear God’s voice say my name; I was so desperate that when I did I just became so overwhelmed. I said God I’m not going to do this anymore, I can’t. So I canceled my plans and God said to just go home and be with my family and I did. It was incredibly special to me to get to spend time with them, because I felt like I had started to lose that.

God broke down a lot of pride that day by simply just saying my name. He’s that powerful that’s all he has to do to get us back on track. <3

Anyways, we went through this time of not talking. I had a tough time processing it all last year, but finally I was willing to let it go and forgive him and ask for his forgiveness for some things.  And I told God that it was in his hands and I trusted him, because he knew how much Zach really did mean to me as a best friend.

So, I went on with life and I started to believe that it was really over with us and I’d never get that chance to be friends with him again. Little did I know that God had something bigger in store for me that I didn’t see coming.

Over the next few weeks Zach ended up messaging me on Facebook just to say hi and see how i was doing, which was random. I honestly thought nothing of it and I said God I don't know what this is, but I don't want it in my life right now.

Then one day I knew God was up to something. Zach began talking to me about a lot of crap he was in at that time and I instantly shut down and was like I want nothing to do with him. But, God kept pushing things and started to talk to me about it and I was like God I want nothing to do with it and I just want to live my life for me. That’s when God said to me “Hmm that’s funny I thought living your life as a Christian was about living for me and you were supposed to go out and help those in need.” So I said okay God, but I’m not making anything happen. If this is what you want, you set it all up. I’m not going to do a thing. If you want something to happen then work a miracle and have him come to me. (I was very much a prideful brat during this time, because I was scared to get hurt again. Even though God said to trust him)

So I finally started to see nothing happening and I was like oh good maybe it’s just not going to happen. Until one day out of the blue, my doorbell rang and my mom answered the door and I walked out into my kitchen to find Zach standing there. At the time my jaw kind of dropped and every emotion possible filled my mind. I had seen him about two weeks before when I ran into him at the carnival and when i saw him there he was a mess compared to when he was standing in my kitchen. I honestly saw no hope in him that night, my exact thoughts were he will never take God seriously and he doesn't really give a crap about his life...anyways that night i realized it had been almost two years since he had stepped foot in my house. When I walked out there I just looked at him at first in complete shock and I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth to say. Until finally he saw me and came and gave me a hug and I still could hardly speak about what was happening. We stood in the kitchen talking about life. He stayed for a little while and then left and when he left I got so emotional so fast. I was praying and I said God you really meant what you said…and He said I told you to just trust me.

Zach ended up apologizing for everything and came to me and said I need to get my life in order and I need your help. Instantly I felt like God was saying ‘go and lead him back to me…push him until he feels like he can’t be pushed anymore and even after that just don’t give up on him, ever.’ So from that day on I did…I said "Zach, the past is the past and it’s over and done with. The friendship we have now is a clean slate. I’m going to push you to follow after God and I’m going to be annoying so, be ready." (:

And so it all started, I pushed him and pushed him towards God in every way I knew possible. I begged him to come to church with me he came once in July and from that weekend on i annoyed him every weekend. There were times I thought he was never going to talk to me again after some of the stuff I was saying to him, but God told me to keep going with it and somehow Zach still kept talking to me and pressing into what I had to say. Another thing that happened was I was still very hesitant to come back for a second year at GMC, but when Zach came back into my life God said to me “if he can get his life in order then why can’t you?” So that next day I sent in my application. (:

It came down to September 23^rd, I texted Zach and I said "so when are you coming to church with me" and he said "when I feel like it." And that’s when I switched and said "I told you I was going to push you and I told you that this isn’t going to be easy, so either start taking it seriously or nothing is going to change." I didn’t get an answer for a good three maybe four hours after that. Until finally later that night I got a text saying ‘when are we going to church this weekend?’  I had to be at the church the next day by eight in the morning and I was going to be there until nine at night. Zach was like "I’ll come" and he did, but not only that, but on the way home he said, "I think I’m going to come tomorrow too." And he did. (:

That night when he got home God started to speak into him again and tell him things about his future and as we were talking about it I just began to cry, because I’ve been waiting to witness this for such a long time that I had become so overwhelmed with what was happening right before my eyes I almost couldn’t believe it. I just began to thank God for Zach and for the impact I had with him. & then Zach began to come every weekend and I saw him pressing into God more than I had ever seen before and I loved it and thanked God over and over again for what was going on in his life.

Finally last weekend Zach said "I want to show I’m serious about this and I want people to know that I’m not kidding when I say that I want to turn my life around I want to actually do it." & the next day they had a baptism and I told him he should do it and he said ‘I think I want to.’ The next night I was an emotional basket case because of how much God was doing in his life that I just began to weep over all the countless years of praying for him. When it came time for the baptism I looked over at him and he was so nervous and I said to him "you can take one person up there with you to help baptize you" and he said "will you come with me?" And me being me began to cry and I said yes and as we walked up to the tank to baptize him I felt the presence of God in a way I have never felt. I felt like God was smiling ear to ear when he walked into that tank. & the devil was freakin out hard core that for once he wasn't claiming victory over Zach's life, the victory was God's like it's always should be. When I got to baptize him with Pastor Gerry I was so honored to be standing by his side that day and be a part of it with him. It was a process for me that was a long one, but a very powerful one. (: God showed me that night that my years of praying paid off and he just kept saying ‘all I told you to do was trust me’ (:

I could not be any happier than I am right now. God has been working through me in so many ways these past few weeks and I am so happy for that. God’s given me new eyes to see things and one of the biggest things that I am incredibly thankful for that he gave me, was a second chance to be best friends with Zach again. It seriously means the world to have that boy back in my life and to see how much God is shining through him lately is so inspirational. (: God’s doing some amazing things in his life and I am incredibly blessed to even be a part of it.

He is such a blessing in my life and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m glad God answered my prayer to bringing someone in my life to help me and I’m thankful that the answer to my prayer was Zach, because I wouldn’t want anyone else as my best friend. (:  I’m extremely excited to watch God work in him over these next few months and especially years, it’s going to be amazing I know that. I thank God every day for him, and I'm thankful to be able to call him my best friend once again. I really do love him so so much! (:

A Year Without Dating

Over these past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. During this fast I’ve had a lot of struggles and temptations with many things and I’ve overcome a lot of them. But, as I’ve been praying lately I’ve felt like God has been calling me to something big.

We started our 40 days of purpose fast sometime in March well around a week before I started my fast I had a problem with a boy that caused me to become distracted in every way possible. 

I was hurt and I didn’t know how to react and I kind of blamed God because I always do when times get hard. Well, this one wasn’t God’s fault.

God was trying to show me that I was trying to search for love in all the wrong way and that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with that person until I got the okay from Him and I was rushing that’s why things weren’t working out.

(This is not a blog to bash this guy in any way. He is a great guy and I care about him very much to this day. This is about what God has been teaching me.)

Anyways, a few days after our fast started we had our first presentation for our life formations class due and the night before I was emotional basket case because of all the hurt I was feeling and the love I wasn’t feeling. When I was trying to prepare for my presentation I honestly couldn’t think of anything at all to talk about and I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth what I wanted to say to put on my paper.

 Well, when I was giving my presentation I began talking about God’s love and His peace and I started to feel it rushing over me in that moment. I almost couldn’t continue with my presentation because God’s love was so strongly around me. All I could do is stand there and soak it in and the rest of the day I was so in awe of God’s love for me. It was love I hadn’t felt in months because I had been so distracted by this guy and so many other things and trying to feel love in so many other ways. But, the love of God is the only love that could make me feel so at peace like that.

That night I was journaling, which I do every night and I felt like God was calling me to commit to say that I won’t date for 3 months and at first I hesitated to say yes because I really did want things to work for me and this guy, but then I prayed about it and thought it would be the best thing for me so I started that commitment and I held to it.

As I continued the fast I was no longer talking to that boy and I felt like God was saying to me “Even though you aren’t talking I still want you to fast trying to contacting him and I want you to pray for him and that’s all. No text no calls nothing.” Wow, was that hard to hear for me. This guy was so involved in my life the past few months and I really cared about him and to not contact him at all. It was tough, but I did it.

So for 40 days I fasted contacting him all together and I prayed for him almost daily and I prayed God would reveal things to him in ways he never imagined. It was hard not to give him a call some days and see how he was or tell him what I felt like God was telling me, but I fought through it. I have yet to contact him I’m waiting for God to give me the okay that. I want to make sure it’s God’s hearts passion and not mine.

This past week as I’ve been waiting for this fast to end I’ve been really thinking about this whole not dating for 3 months thing and thinking of how already how much of a struggle it is and how I’ve already needed God’s guidance. But, God has reminded me that every day we are supposed to be asking for His guidance not just on dating fasts, but in everyday life.

As I was praying the other night about the 3 month fast God said to me “how do you feel if we did a year of no dating?” & my first response was “Man you crazy?!?! I just said I can’t even handle 3 months and you want me to do a freakin year. Heck no brother!”

  All I heard was silence after that.

 Then God said “You didn’t hear me. I said how do you feel if WE did a year of no dating. Meaning I’m going to be there every single day, every step of the way guiding you, picking you up when you fall. I’m going to dry your eyes when you cry and I’m going to help you up when your too weak and when you’re having your good days I’m going to be marching beside you hand in hand telling everyone how proud I am of you. I will never let you down. Keep your eyes on me and you will not fail, ever.”

So I thought about it and I remembered something my grandmother said to me before she died, she said, “Kimmy, I don’t think I’m going to make it to your wedding so I need you to do me a favor and marry a good man for me who takes care of you and loves you and who keeps Jesus first in his life.” & that’s what I’m going to do I’m taking this year to focus on me and focus on my relationship with God and to wait for the right guy to come into my life because I’m sick of doing relationships the wrong way I want to do them the way God wants me to. Even though that may sound silly coming from me because my relationships haven’t been as typical as what you’d call everyone else’s. I have never even kissed a boy and honestly in a world like this I’m proud of myself for that because in today’s society that is saying a lot about a person.

So over this next year I am going to work on trying to figure out how to work with God and I’s relationship and building that stronger and then we’ll add in a fellow when the time is right. (:

I want to become a girl so lost in God that a man has to fall in love with Him before ever getting to my heart. That’s the kind of man I want to marry, a man in love with God and in love with me. Exactly how my grandmother would have wanted it. I don’t want to waste my time dealing with little crushes anymore that end up changing day to day, I want this year to teach me what’s next in my life and what type of person God is planning me to be with because I know it’s going to be someone amazing. (:

My fast officially started March 23^rd 2011 and it will end March 23^rd 2012. I’m going to need a lot of accountability on this. I can’t wait to see what God does through this year. (:

The end

Today was our last Life Formations class and honestly it's an emotional time for me because it's a time i know that this year of Master's is coming to a end and in a way I'm ready for and in other ways I feel I'm not.

I've learned so much over the past few months of Master's and honestly the Life Formations class was my favorite class and it was probably the class I learned the most in. God really stretched me in this class and Al was so amazing at teaching it and was so good and really putting things into words that we could understand and relate to.

I am really going to miss a lot about this school year. Especially a lot of people, including all our teachers because they each left a special impact on my life. This semester God has really been able to open up doors for me to see new things which is what I've been waiting for.

I was very stubborn in the beginning of this semester just trying to get through day by day not really living to see what God had in store for me. But, God revealed a lot to me over just this past month that I never even knew about myself and it's stuff I'll hold onto the rest of my life.

So I want to personally thank Al for teaching life formations, you have no idea how you and the way you taught that class changed my life. I've grown in so many ways. Thank you so much! Your class was definitely my favorite.

This semester has changed my life. God has revealed so much to me we'll see what He has in store for next school year whether that includes coming back for a 2nd year of Master's or not.

Hey girl heyyyy!

Let me tell you a story about 3 of my best friends ! :)




Bonalanadingdong!

Oh this lady! I love her so! She has the light of God shining all around her! God really had a plan when He brought Bonnie to GMC this year! She is very special to me in so many ways. I know God has a very special calling on her life and I know she is going to do amazing things with her life. This year she has helped me overcome so many struggles and barriers that I could never overcome on my own and I am truly honored to call her one of my best friends! She is one of the sweetest people I know and I am forever grateful for her in my life. I love her more than words can say. Her friendship is so very precious to me in so many ways. I don't think she will ever understand how much she truly means to me. All our little inside jokes, and our weeks we got to spend together living as little adults. I'll miss her this summer as we go our separate ways. I believe God will have us be friends for a long time though so I'm not worried. I love you so much baby b <3


Caitlyn!

This girl is one of the strongest people I know. She has been through so much over the past year, yet I still see her standing. She has such a heart after God which is so amazing to me! I think God really has something special He is going to do with her life. She has a very special gift of helping people when they are in need of some help of any kind. She's always willing to lend a hand. She's a sweetheart. I'm glad God brought her in my life here at Gettysburg Master's. I love you Caitlyn <3


Kriston!

This girl is my best friend in the world! She has helped through everything and anything this school year. She is the best ever. God has given her a great ear to listen to me complain all the time. I know she has to get sick of me whining all the time. I know I can be a pain at times, but she still loves me anyways. The craziest things always happen when I'm with her. We are always the ones most likely to get in trouble the most. We are constantly laughing together and it's something I love about our friendship because we are constantly always trying to get each other to laugh or smile. We are so crazy together. I am so glad she is apart of my life. I love you so much best friend <3

I don't know what I'd do without these ladies! They are amazing & I'm glad God brought them into my life. :)

My baby girls!

                                        These little girls are my life!
                              I love them so much, I don't know what I'd do without them!
                              I can't wait to see where God takes them in the future!
                                        They are so precious to me!
  God has blessed me with two amazing bundles of joy in my life and I'm forever gratful for both of them! They are a HUGE part of my life and I can't imagine my life without them. I thank God for them evertyday <3

Healing

Last  night I was lying in bed and I started to think of my grandmother, I thought I wonder if she’d be proud of me for what I’m doing or what I’m called to do? I was thinking I wonder if she would approve of the people I've been talking to or the friendships or relationships I've been involved with.

Now you have to understand something this woman was my absolute best friend in the world and I did everything with her. Her and I were literally glued at the hip and always with each other. Whenever I had a problem I’d always call her first.

I was really strung up on some stuff last night that I couldn’t overcome and for the first time in about a year and a half all I wanted to do was call my grandmother and just cry to her like I used to. But, I couldn’t. It’s been about two and a half years since she passed away and I’m missing her now more than ever for some reason.

I wanted her to be with me last night because I was feeling completely restless and I knew she would just sit and comfort me if she was there.

& then as I was laying there I began to cry because for some reason the pain became so strong and I didn’t know why. ..Until God showed me the answer..

For the past few months all I’ve wanted was to feel love and to know that the love was true and my grandmother was the only person in my past that truly made me feel that way. She gave me hope and made my future look bright to me.

I wanted someone to comfort me for so long that I wasn’t focused on the fact that God has been there with me all the way comforting me and holding me up.

The times I’ve felt alone He’s been there. Last night as I laid in bed I was so shook up for the moment and I didn’t understand why. I began to not only miss my grandmother, but many people from my past that I had had a very deep connection with, especially people who I’ve lost in contact recently with the last few months..

I don’t know why God brought those people to mind, I hadn’t been thinking about them in months, but I believe God had a reason for it.

Sometimes I feel like God gives me the tears of the people around me who can’t cry the tears themselves because they don’t see what they are doing. That would explain a lot of tears in the past. God has given me the gift to feel a lot of what other people are going through I just sometimes blow it off. But, last night was stronger than ever.

I was finally able to calm down and get some sleep after I prayed and asked God for comfort through what I was feeling.

I know God has a reason why He does this. Today I’m still feeling the pain I was feeling last night really heavy, but at the same time I’m also very at peace. Because I have no control of the situations in the other people’s lives so I have no way of saying I understand completely what they are going through. But, I know that the God who has comforted me can comfort them and can heal them and bring them out of the dark areas in their lives.

As I was driving to church this morning a verse was read on the radio station and I've known this verse forever pretty much because i remember being very young and Evangelist Reggie Dabbs did a sermon on it.

The verse is Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

& the song Restoration started to play in my head where it says,

 "You take my mourning and turn it into dancing,

You take my weeping and turn it into laughing,

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing,

You take my sadness and turn it into joy.

Hallelujah you make all things new."

This song has been really speaking to me over the past few weeks and I believe God has really been showing me a lot because He is preparing me for something greater than I can imagine.

 

Hope

This past week God has really broken me in so many ways.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been incredibly stressed out with so much stuff that i didn't know at the time, but really that was overpowering my life.

I let so much of the crap in my life get into me and take control of my life that I didn’t know how to get out of it anymore.

I felt like I lost everyone and I couldn’t trust anyone and I had completely lost hope in everyone around me. I felt so much hurt and pain, but I hid behind a fake smile and told everyone I was okay when honestly deep down I was spiritually killing myself.

I had completely given up on God all together and I didn’t understand what God was trying to teach me or why I was being tested with all the junk I was going through.

I had really bought into the lies that I really wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything and that no guy would ever want to be with me because I’m not like other girls.

 …that I didn’t have a future after Master’s Commission.

 I believed that no one had faith in me anymore and everyone had given up on me so I might as well give up on myself.

I thought that there was no point in following after God because I felt like He was never going to tell me what He wanted me to do with my life.

I was really broken and honestly the only way I can describe it is I felt like I had spiritually and emotionally died to myself. I had completely given up on myself what so ever.

I lost all hope in everything around me.

This week God has completely has changed me.

On Sunday Pastor Gerry spoke about conquering  our fears and not letting them overcome our lives and I had a very close friend of mine come and pray for me when I was up at the alter praying and he asked me what are you so afraid that’s blocking you from God and the only answer I had to give was I’m afraid of everything lately.

& that’s when for the first time in the past few weeks that I heard God really speak to me and say “Kimmy you have to let it go. Don’t be afraid anymore.”

After the service the friend came up to me and without knowing what I was feeling that day, he looked me straight in the eyes and said “You need to know that it’s not your fault and you need to stop blaming yourself for the things of your past that you have no control over” & that’s when I heard God again say “Things are about to change, really fast. Get ready.”  

I was terrified I wanted nothing to do with change I had become so secure in my own isolated bubble that I didn’t want to get out of it.

Well that night I had started to see really that I was physically hurting myself and I had given up completely and I was starting to feel not okay with that.

Emotionally I lost it all. I couldn’t even feel the pain anymore.

Monday morning I had come into our morning prayer with a really heavy heart. I came in really early like I always do before the rest of the girls and I heard God say “You ready?”

Well during that prayer time God completely broke down my wall of pride and I had this image in my head the whole time of me walking up to Jesus filthy dirty carrying all these weights on my back and He came over to me just holding my face telling me how much he loved me and telling me how much of an amazing plan for my life.

As He was explaining all the things He had planned He was taking one weight off at a time and walking up a hill and putting them at the foot of the cross building a wall on each side.

Each weight had a word on it and as He set them at the cross they would change, such as…

Ugly – Beautiful

Broken – Whole

Unloved - Loved

Forgotten – Cherished

Unworthy-Treasured

Lost-Found

Hostage-Set Free

There were many more this was only a few.

I didn’t realize how much crap I was really carrying on my back.

As He took each of them off I literally felt them getting off me as I was sitting crying here in the sanctuary.

When He was all done I was there completely clean and God came back down the hill and came and held my hand and walked me back up the hill and we just stood and looked at the walls on each side of the cross. Until finally He said,

“Kim, I died for you for a reason. I didn’t do it just to do it. You need to realize that this is where you need to come every day and drop off your junk. You don’t need to carry the load by yourself. You truly are precious and you have a great calling on your life and I don’t want you to lose vision of that. Please don’t give up, keep pushing on I’m here to catch you when you fall. You put way to much stress on yourself when you did nothing wrong. You just take the blame because you feel like that’s the right thing to do so other people don’t have to deal with the consequences of their sins, but that’s not your role to play.  Don’t you ever forget that I died because I love you more than anything I ever created and you’re going to touch so many lives, but only if you trust me.”

As I heard God speaking these words over me I started to feel alive again and I felt like my life started to have meaning again. The dead soul that I had had came back to life. God broke down the walls and I overcame my fears and my doubts about myself. For the first time in months I felt like I was free and I had a purpose again.

 Last night my dad called and he is so amazing. He spoke to me and he helped me overcome a lot over of my fears I've had over the past few weeks without even realizing he was. He told me the same thing my friend told me and said "It's not your fault." & that's when it hit me. All the crap in my past really wasn't my fault and i had put that as my main focus that it was.

& since then God has continued to show his amazing mercy and show how good He is because so much that I was struggling with God has answered in so many ways only in the past two days.

I have an amazing opportunity to do something that I’ve wanted to do my whole life. God had a door open today that I’m very excited about opening that new chapter in my life.

I know now that this summer is the start of the amazing plans for my future.

I have hope again.

 God is so good to me. I don’t know where I’d be without Him. I’m going after my calling and I’m going to do what Christ has asked me to do and I know the road won’t be smooth sailing the whole time,  but even in those hard times I’m going to learn to praise God for the victories He’s going to have come out of those struggles.

A Beautiful Masterpiece

Today i have been sitting here dwelling on a lot of things God has done in my life recently and I've notice just how much I have changed over the past month of my life.

I have noticed where I have struggled greatly with many things over the past few weeks and where I have also conquered those weaknesses.

I have so much on my mind lately that sometimes I've noticed myself losing focus on why I'm here and why I'm doing some of the things I'm doing.

I think so often we get in these mind sets that we aren't good enough for a certain job, or a person and then we get into these little pity parties we throw for ourselves..

We lose our focus. 

We sometimes get so side tracked with the little distractions of life that we miss the beautiful picture of our lives that  God is trying to paint.

The struggles we go through and the pain we have to have is sometimes just a test for us to take our eyes off the picture God is helping us paint of our lives.

When i envision God sometimes, I see him sitting in front of this massive canvas with a art pallet with hundreds of colors and he's holding a paint brush and he's saying "Welp, what are we going to paint next?”

Then some days I imagine Him coming over and picking me up and setting me on His knee saying, “How about you try it today and I’ll sit and guide you.” & He passes me the brush for me to add in some color.

But once I’m done with my color and done of what I think would be the perfect picture God comes in and holds my hand with the brush and guides it and corrects it into this beautiful masterpiece I could have never accomplished by myself.

He takes away the mistakes and the times I ran down the page. He cleans it up and holds my hand steady when I get shaky and scared I’m going to mess up.

To go back to what I was talking about earlier, those distractions we go through in life are the little things in the picture that God has to fix. For me God’s had a lot of fixing to do recently, but over the past few weeks the picture of my life that is on that canvas is turning into something beautiful.

I let everything get to me, such as, hurt, self-worth, anger, frustration, work, school, boys, friends, my car.  It doesn’t matter what it is, things get under my skin, but it’s only because I’m human just like everyone else I get upset and I get sidetracked and I let things go that should be done right away.

But those distractions are where God helps take control again. Sometimes when God passes off the brush we let it get to our heads and we take control of our lives and play it out how we want to see it. So once we’re done having our fun and the hurt is all over God comes in and takes his little cloth and brush and fixes the mistakes.

Isn’t it great we have a God who fixes our mistakes and who restores us? He makes all things new and He is someone who won’t leave you or let you go in those hard times you’re going through.

I’ve learned the hard way, when you’re going through hard times that you need to realize that God is with you the whole time.

He never leaves you.

Next time you’re out talking about all your problems to everyone, remember the one who is the Healer of all and who can take away that pain your feeling and wipe away those tears and hold you in his arms of love.

Out of our biggest struggles, comes our greatest strengths.

Lately I've come to realize that I've been someone who settles for less.
    
I settle for less in every area of my life.

 I have had my mind set on the fact that I expect a lot less than i deserve.


I've felt this way for wayyyyy too long.

In my past I've had people hurt me.

I've had people care about me for a period of time then out of no where snap and just leave.

I actually started to believe that everyone is the same and everyone will end up like this.

Well, I was wrong.

Yea everyone in life will disappoint you at one point or another, but no one is perfect.

I've had my choice of people walk into my life and walk right out with no explanation.

But, it was there own personal decisions. They had to make a choice if having me in their lives was worth it.

Some people chose yes, some, no.

If there is anything I've learned over the last few years is, I'm far from perfect. Just like everyone else.

No one in my life will be able to be there for me 24/7.

Everyone who i care about will eventually let me down and I have to be okay with that.

Everyone has expectations in relationships. About how they think they should play out.

But, relationships aren't about expectations, mainly it's about the destination. Where do you see it ending up?

We can't go through life expecting so much out of someone else because eventually they grow tired and weak and don't feel like dealing with us anymore.

We can't wait for prince charming to come walkin in, in all his glory and perfection and know for a fact that everything is going to work out. Because honestly, it won't. Relationships are hard. They have difficulties, they have struggle, the question is are you willing to put up with those struggles to be with that person?

Mainly what I've come to realize is the issue is PRIDE in ourselves that we are not willing to put down.

Maybe the story is it didn't work out with someone in the past and your scared to take another jump. PRIDE

Maybe you screwed up something with someone you love and your fighting and you're not willing to put down your walls. PRIDE

Maybe you've fallen in love and your too scared to tell the other person so you run away. PRIDE

Why are we all so selfish people that we are so scared to love?

You know whats funny is yesterday i posted a status that said "Find a heart that will love you at your worst and arms that will hold you at your weakest." & it really hit me today how powerful that is.

Because yesterday to me it was something physical. I physically wanted someone to be there for me and wrap there arms around me.

Today I felt it and saw it in a different view.

God is the only heart that will love me at my worst and only His arms are the ones that can make me feel whole again when I'm feeling weak.


When i am going through so much crap and so many emotional break downs I feel like i can't take it anymore. He's there.

When I don't know what tomorrow holds. He's there.

When I don't know what's going to happen or I'm scared to find out. He's there.

I can't be scared. & the funny thing is when God's around my pride is gone. Because I can't look at Him and say I don't want you to love me and I don't want your arms around me because, whether I feel it or not He's ALWAYS going to be there and ALWAYS going to love me.


We need to realize that what God is giving to us each and everyday, we need to be giving to everyone else.

Right now I'm going through a lot of crap, just like everyone else. The question is, will I sit and dwell on it and try to fix it myself or will I give it to God and trust He has a plan?

Hmmm...seems like a no brainer to me...

Who's writing your story?

James 1:2-5 (NIV)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

The past few months I have been through a lot of changes in my life. Some changes easy to deal with, others extremely difficult.

One of the hardest things i currently struggle with is patience.

I have never done well with this area of my life. I am always someone who likes to have things set in stone and ready to go.

Lately I've come to realize that I have been tested with patience in every area of my life. Family, friends, relationships, money, jobs, school, you name it, I've had it these past few months.

But, one thing I've come to realize as I have been dealing with this over the past few months is, you can't expect everything in your life to go according  to "your plan".

If I got everything I wanted right exactly when i wanted it, I'd probably be miserable and not no what to do with myself.

I've learned that the things I'm struggling most with are the things that at this moment in time I truly am not ready for. If I got some of the things that I have been wanting for so long now I'd be so lost in what to do because I would feel selfish because I did them in my timing and not God's.

See something I've come to realize is....

God has a timing for everything.

He knew the day I was going to be born and He knows the day I'm going to die.

But, He also knows the things in between then...

What i mean by that is...it's not us who wrote our story. It's God.

He knows when I'm going to be tomorrow.
He knows the day I'm going to fall in love with the person I know I'm going to marry.
He knows how many kids I'll have.
He knows what kind of job I'll have 10 years from now.
Heck, He even knows what color socks I'll be wearing tomorrow.

The reason why He already knows this is because right now at this very moment He is sitting up in Heaven reading my personal story out of my personal book that He wrote about me.

It's not a book that has been sitting on a shelf all dusty and gross because He forgot about it and doesn't care.

It's a book He enjoys picking up everyday and seeing where the next chapter leads every time he turns the page.

It's full of many different stories and He loves picking it up and reading it each day to see where I'm going to go. He should love it because obviously He wrote it.

See the thing is, like I said earlier God already knows everything about my future and He already has the whole thing laid out for me.

But tomorrow when I wake up will I be going by what God already has written in my book or will I change the wording.

Yea it's my life & my story, but God knows what's best for me that's why I put my trust in Him.

If I was running my life I'd get all the things I asked for in my past when I wanted them, which would have lead me down a path where I would probably still be trying to find my way back from.

God is great and He is strong & He has a purpose for everything.

God wrote my book in permanent marker not invisible ink.

He is proud of what He has written & wants to show it off to people.

When I have a good day I see Him sitting there smiling, showing it off to the angels saying "look what she has done today. Isn't she getting so much stronger each day."

& on my bad days I can feel Him weeping with me and holding me in His arms telling me, "Every things going to be alright. Don't give up. You're stronger than you believe."

No matter what I face in life I know that God is with me.

I know He has the pen while writing my book and I'm not taking it out of His hands. Because He knows me better than anyone.

I may be struggling with things right now, but I can hear Gods voice saying,

        "Hey Kimmy, just wait for the next chapter.You're going to love it."

♥

Once upon a time... ♥

When I was younger I can remember what I wanted my life to be like when I got older. I literally remember sitting in my room imagining what I was going to be doing when I was going through not only my 20’s but my teen years. I remember how I had all these amazing plans of what I thought I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I had the perfect vision of what type of guy I wanted to be dating as I was in college. What my family would all be doing. I had it all worked out.

But when you’re younger you finally learn to embrace reality…

My high school years went nothing like I planned. I wanted to be in a public high school with lots of friends, having a good time. Instead I was home schooled for six years of my life with just a handful of friends.  Very much involved with my church.

I had imagined my family being all over the states (Mandy still in Arkansas & Rusty and Sherice still in Massachusetts) going to visit them all the time. Until middle of sophomore year Mandy moves home then beginning of junior year Rusty and Sherice moved home with the kids.

One of the biggest things that I had pictured growing up was what every girl pictures, falling in love with prince charming. To have a guy by my side who would hold me when I’m having bad days. Who would be EXACTLY like me in every way.  Always do everything together. He wouldn’t be afraid to tell me anything.  Yea, as you can see where this is going, I didn’t get that either. I have been single now for almost 19 years. (Yes, that means I’ve never had a boyfriend)

I thought my life was completely pointless because I didn’t have those perfect dreams fulfilled.

Until I realized something….those were MY dreams, not God’s dreams.

See if I would have gone to a public high school who knows where I’d be today. Instead of being involved with church as much as I was. I would have probably been doing all the same things every other kid my age is doing right now. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Yea, super cool life to everyone who does that. NOT.

I’m thankful God didn’t put me in that atmosphere because I would have been probably still trying to dig myself out of it. Because I was brought up in church I have a very strong background and I’m not afraid when people ask me the questions like “why don’t you drink and do drugs?” or “why don’t you cuss?” or even “why don’t you have sex?" So many people ask me these things constantly. It makes me laugh because my answers are usually..

#1. Drugs and alcohol mess with your head so bad it can overpower you completely and I want absolutely nothing to do with that. I'd like to keep myself occupied with other things.

#2. Cussing is a waste of breath to me and quite frankly it makes anybody sound trashy. What’s the point in cussing? It’s completely pointless to me.

#3. I have always believed that sex should be saved for your wedding night. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That’s how I’ve always believed it should go. & also for years I had begged my mom to buy me a promise ring until finally Christmas of 2008 she got it for me and until my wedding I plan to keep that commitment to not only my parents and myself, but to God. Because he’s the one who intended for it to wait anyways.

The second dream I found didn’t come true was about my family. I see now that I’m out of the house temporarily because of school just how truly blessed I am to be in the Colvin family. At first when everyone moved home I was going insane and wanted to get out and never be home. But now that I’m out of the house I miss the craziness of having nine people running around under one roof and three dogs. Me being here in Master’s and being away from my family has brought me closer to each and every family member more than I can even explain to you. Each one of them is so very special to me and I truly do cherish them. They each have a very special part in my life as to how I got where I am today. 

Not going to lie I probably have the best family ever.

Mom. She is absolutely amazing in every way. She is patient, loving, caring, understanding, kind , funny and of course one hot mama. ;) She is probably the best friend anyone can ever ask for. She has helped through so much over this school year I honestly don’t know where I’d be without her. I see so much positivity in her and so much of Christ’s love shine through her. She amazes me more and more each day. She is the person I look up to the most and one day i want people to be able to look at me and say "you remind me so much of your mom" because to me that would mean the world. I love you mommy ♥

Poparopicopski. I probably have the best dad in the whole world. He is the absolute funniest person I know. When I’m down he is always trying to make me laugh or smile. He is such a blessing to me. This past year he has shown me that I am stronger than I believe and I can do more than I think I can. His ability to be so hard working inspires me to strive to get things done and to go after my dreams. My dad is awesome. I love you daddy ♥

Amanda Rose.(Twin) You know you’re really close sisters when you both go through almost the exact same crap and both go through the exact same hell hole the devil keeps circling you in and yet in the end your still standing. Not to mention you come out stronger than ever. She and I have been through a lot of crap in our lives, both had people walk all over us and use us in any way possible. This past year I’ve watched her come out of a place that she had been stuck for a long time and I had come out of it right along with her. My sister is truly one of my biggest heroes. After everything I see in her a light like I’ve never seen before. I absolutely adore her. She’s beautiful and extremely talented and I know for fact that God has BIG plans for her life. I love you Mandy ♥

Rusty. Oh brothers, they are always the ones who drive you insane and make fun of you and scare away all the boys. Yes he does a good job at that, but what I see in my brother is compassion and love. He and I can joke around all the time and have fun. But, I know for a fact if I had a problem with anybody he’d be one of the first people I call to come help me. He and I are a lot alike which I think is sometimes part of the reason why we fight. We’re both hard headed and stubborn at times.  But, he is such an incredible leader and such an amazing man of God. It makes me want to be a better person. I have always looked up to him differently than I look up to anyone else because of how much he has inspired me. I love you Rusty ♥

Thomas Jefferson. You know, it’s sad when you leave for college and a few months later you see your LITTLE brother who is now a foot taller than you. Ha. This boy, wow has God blessed him with such an incredible talent. He is so incredibly gifted with music it makes me so jealous. He and I used to fight a lot but now that I’m away from him I miss him a lot. He’s so amazing. My brother though he may be hard headed at times has so much power and strength and he is unbelievably smart. He knows so much about things that I have no idea what he’s talking about. He is someone who is always trying to make other people laugh and have a good time. I’m blessed to call him my baby brother. I love you Tj ♥

Sherice. She is such a gifted person inside and out. She is one of the nicest people I know. I remember in the summer staying up late sitting in the living room talking to her about everything, telling how much my life sucks and she would always sit and listen to me babble on and on about all the same pointless drama and I admire her for that. Most people would push it off and be like get a grip and move on. She is an amazing person and I’m so blessed she is a part of our family and since the day I met her the first thing she said to me on how to remember how to spell her name was “she’s a piece of rice” to this day I still remember that every time I look at her. She’s a sweetheart. I love you Shaniqua ♥

The last dream I realized I never fulfilled was the boyfriend role and quite frankly I’m okay with that at this point in my life. During high school I chased after all the wrong guys and it ended up hurting me a lot more than expected. I put together so many fairy tales of me falling in love. But, to be honest if I would have dated any of the guys from my past I have no idea where I’d be now because none of them were good for me and they all were involved with stuff they shouldn’t have been. I had this dream of dating someone who was exactly like me, loud, funny always making people laugh, someone who isn’t afraid to state his opinion. I thought he’d like the exact same things I did, talked like I did. But, obviously when you’re following after your dreams and not God’s that’s not exactly what you’ll get. At the end of 2008 I began to pray for a guy to come into my life so I could stop settling for the jerk guys who were in my life at the time. Then when I thought I had found the only guy I thought I would end up being with and that fell apart I began to cry out to God daily to bring me someone who could take his spot because he was not by any means what I wanted in a boyfriend. It took me a long time to feel okay again after losing someone i thought i was meant to be with. But, God gave me strength and told me everything was going to be alright and to trust Him.

It’s funny when you give God description on how you want someone to be when you date them or how you want something to play out and he gives you the complete opposite of what you ask for.

It's funny how since then I've been blessed with such a difference in my perspective on what kind of person i should be with.

^^That boy right there^^

may not be what I expected in my past, but I know for a fact he is going to be playing a big part in my future. ♥

He's the reason why God had me wait for so long not to be with someone. He is probably the sweetest person I know. I'm beyond blessed to even say he is apart of my life. Through him I have come to realize that no matter what you face in life, God always has a bigger plan than you expect. He showed me that no matter what the devil may throw at you on a daily basis God is still the conqueror of all things. It took me 2 years of praying and crying out to God to bring me one guy who could show me they weren't like every other boy in the world. I met that one guy last summer and since the day i met him my life has changed completely. I'm really glad God brought him into my life right at the perfect timing. (: He's such a sweetheart & I honestly don't know what I'd do without him :) ♥

God’s blessed me with so many people that make me smile. I don't know where i'd be with out any of them.

My ultimate #1. God. He showed me i didn't have to be involved with the world and he's the one who got me through everything. (:

#2. My AMAZING family. I'd be absolutely nothing without them. They are my life. (:

#3. Stephen Jay Schneider. He's such an amazing person and I can see now that he is exactly the type of guy I want to be with (:

I know one thing for sure after looking at all these things this past week. God has a plan. He always has it all worked out. A lot of changes are still going to happen in my life and I have to be ready to face them. But, the things I listed above are three of the things I probably cherish most about what God has given to me. I truly am blessed. I love every part of my life and I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. ♥

Every cloud has a silver lining.

You know, something that always amazes me is that God is faithful no matter what.  You can be having the crappiest day of your life and He can still bring something along to bring a smile to your face.

A few days ago we got back from a Master’s Commission Conference in Texas. In the beginning of the first service I was feeling very convicted and like I was doing something wrong during worship before the service. So, I began to speak to God saying, “God, what am I doing wrong? This doesn’t feel right. Why do I feel this way? I’m trying to give you everything in my life and grow closer but I’m feeling further away.”  Then I just stood there and all the sudden I became still and I heard God say, “Kimmy, are you really giving me everything?”

See, so easy as Christians we think it’s all easy giving it up to God and giving Him control will be simple. Well, I’m here to be one of the few to say it’s not easy. It’s hard to not give up and say, “Okay God, you did a great job running my life yesterday but uhm yea today I think I can handle. Thanks though.” It’s so easy to go right into being in control of our lives. It’s not about what we want in our lives though it’s about what God has called us to do. That’s something we need to realize as Christians.

God has huge plans for me and I came to realize in that service the other day that the reasons those plans aren’t following through is because of one thing, the fact that I am not willing to give God the full control over my life that He is longing for.

As we went on in the conference I came to realize I had been holding on to a lot of crap from my past that I was being stubborn and holding onto. 

Well as that morning went on and the rest of the day God really challenged me and the question of “Are you giving everything?” literally kept popping up everywhere. Until finally in the night service I was like I can’t hold onto this anymore. I was finally willing to lay down everything even the dumb little things I thought were pointless. After that service I can’t tell you how much peace I felt and am still feeling today.

Then the next morning I woke up feeling a little crappy and a little frustrated but, I put a smile on my face and acted like everything was okay. Well during the service the night before they had an offering and the question again popped into my mind “are you giving everything?” right as I heard it that time I looked down and saw my wallet laying on top my purse and God told me to give all the cash I had left and at first i struggled with it, but when i started to walk down to put the money in God said be ready for a blessing.  

You know what’s funny is when God blesses you sometimes it’s in days, weeks or even months. But, when they come fast it’s really cool to witness. Monday night I gave God all the money left inside my wallet, Tuesday night I ended up winning an Ipad at the conference. To me an Ipad means nothing, because I’m not an Apple person really but as soon as I realized I won I was in shock because all I could hear at the moment of all the excitement was God saying, ”See I told you I’d bless you.” It was probably the greatest blessing ever.

So, if you’re having a crappy day today, look at it this way, a new dawn is coming. Everything we go through that is hard or troubling or where we want to give up. First off remember that if you give God the control of your life like He wants everything is a lot easier than you think.  Also remember out of the crap you face today God is bringing something bigger and better for you tomorrow. Because God has a reason for putting us through everything and He always shows us what we’re made of in those times.

PLEASE NOTE: I’m not by any means saying tomorrow you’re going to go out and God’s going to give you an Ipad. That was not the point of my story AT ALL . Lol. The point is, give everything up to God. It’s so much easier when He’s in control and you’re not.

A day of thinking...

So, today has been a pretty off day for me. I don't really know what is wrong. Everything I do i seem to be in the worst slump ever. I'm second guessing a lot of choices today. & I'm definitely over thinking everything.

I very rarely get in these moods. But, when I do even I hate to be around myself because I'm not the normal upbeat person I am all the time. I don't like being sad and depressed feeling.

God has been showing me a lot lately & I think that is part of the problem. Sometimes as Christians when God shows us or tells us things we sometimes get scared. For example when God tells me things sometimes they make me just want to cry because I don't want to do them, because usually that involves me having to change something. I think that's why I’m in this little yuck mode.

God has been showing me a lot of things I need to change and i need to work on. He's also been pushing me to use my talents and abilities he has given me instead of keeping them in. I don't do well when God tells me to open up about things sometimes. I need to work on that.

Another thing I am having trouble working on is opening up. I don't like opening up about my problems. I'm so used to say "Oh, no I’m fine" or "I don't want to talk about it. I'll be fine really". I don't like overloading people with my problems. I honestly believe that for me sometimes that if I talk about my worst fear it will become a reality and I’m absolutely terrified of that. I have a hard time trusting people as it is. Because I'm so used to having people there for me then one day just disappearing.

That is probably one of my biggest fears. That I’m going to become extremely close with someone or certain people and then they just walk out of my life. I've always had this terrible thought in the back of my mind every time i start a new friendship and i really need to pray against that & pray for God to prove me wrong. & to show me that there are people who aren't like that.

Today I realized that I can't live like this anymore. I have to be willing to open up to people and to except change because if I don't I will end up killing myself inside. Holding all my pain and suffering in only hurts one person, ME. I don't need any more pain. I also realized that no matter what things are always going to be hard. Friendships are hard. Relationships are hard at times. I can't live in the mindset though that there isn't a silver lining behind the clouds. 

I believe that God has a reason for putting me in these little moods. I've realized a lot today and God has really been stretching me. I constantly ask God "why are you letting me go through with this?" But, it's not usually the verbal answer I'm looking for, it's the physical. God has brought me to see many things this week that I didn't even notice.

On my crappiest days God can still make me smile. For example the other day i was having a day quite similar to today and I had someone come to me and thank me and tell me how special I was to them just because I wrote them a short little note and left it for them to see. God uses me as a blessing in disguise sometimes and I don't even realize it.

I pray I can still be willing to be blessing to people and still show God's love and kindness everywhere I go. Even on my bad days I hope God can always open the door for me to always be a light to someone who needs it.

God use me. My desire is to be used by you no matter what I'm going through.