Once upon a time... ♥

When I was younger I can remember what I wanted my life to be like when I got older. I literally remember sitting in my room imagining what I was going to be doing when I was going through not only my 20’s but my teen years. I remember how I had all these amazing plans of what I thought I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. I had the perfect vision of what type of guy I wanted to be dating as I was in college. What my family would all be doing. I had it all worked out.

But when you’re younger you finally learn to embrace reality…

My high school years went nothing like I planned. I wanted to be in a public high school with lots of friends, having a good time. Instead I was home schooled for six years of my life with just a handful of friends.  Very much involved with my church.

I had imagined my family being all over the states (Mandy still in Arkansas & Rusty and Sherice still in Massachusetts) going to visit them all the time. Until middle of sophomore year Mandy moves home then beginning of junior year Rusty and Sherice moved home with the kids.

One of the biggest things that I had pictured growing up was what every girl pictures, falling in love with prince charming. To have a guy by my side who would hold me when I’m having bad days. Who would be EXACTLY like me in every way.  Always do everything together. He wouldn’t be afraid to tell me anything.  Yea, as you can see where this is going, I didn’t get that either. I have been single now for almost 19 years. (Yes, that means I’ve never had a boyfriend)

I thought my life was completely pointless because I didn’t have those perfect dreams fulfilled.

Until I realized something….those were MY dreams, not God’s dreams.

See if I would have gone to a public high school who knows where I’d be today. Instead of being involved with church as much as I was. I would have probably been doing all the same things every other kid my age is doing right now. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Yea, super cool life to everyone who does that. NOT.

I’m thankful God didn’t put me in that atmosphere because I would have been probably still trying to dig myself out of it. Because I was brought up in church I have a very strong background and I’m not afraid when people ask me the questions like “why don’t you drink and do drugs?” or “why don’t you cuss?” or even “why don’t you have sex?" So many people ask me these things constantly. It makes me laugh because my answers are usually..

#1. Drugs and alcohol mess with your head so bad it can overpower you completely and I want absolutely nothing to do with that. I'd like to keep myself occupied with other things.

#2. Cussing is a waste of breath to me and quite frankly it makes anybody sound trashy. What’s the point in cussing? It’s completely pointless to me.

#3. I have always believed that sex should be saved for your wedding night. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. That’s how I’ve always believed it should go. & also for years I had begged my mom to buy me a promise ring until finally Christmas of 2008 she got it for me and until my wedding I plan to keep that commitment to not only my parents and myself, but to God. Because he’s the one who intended for it to wait anyways.

The second dream I found didn’t come true was about my family. I see now that I’m out of the house temporarily because of school just how truly blessed I am to be in the Colvin family. At first when everyone moved home I was going insane and wanted to get out and never be home. But now that I’m out of the house I miss the craziness of having nine people running around under one roof and three dogs. Me being here in Master’s and being away from my family has brought me closer to each and every family member more than I can even explain to you. Each one of them is so very special to me and I truly do cherish them. They each have a very special part in my life as to how I got where I am today. 

Not going to lie I probably have the best family ever.

Mom. She is absolutely amazing in every way. She is patient, loving, caring, understanding, kind , funny and of course one hot mama. ;) She is probably the best friend anyone can ever ask for. She has helped through so much over this school year I honestly don’t know where I’d be without her. I see so much positivity in her and so much of Christ’s love shine through her. She amazes me more and more each day. She is the person I look up to the most and one day i want people to be able to look at me and say "you remind me so much of your mom" because to me that would mean the world. I love you mommy ♥

Poparopicopski. I probably have the best dad in the whole world. He is the absolute funniest person I know. When I’m down he is always trying to make me laugh or smile. He is such a blessing to me. This past year he has shown me that I am stronger than I believe and I can do more than I think I can. His ability to be so hard working inspires me to strive to get things done and to go after my dreams. My dad is awesome. I love you daddy ♥

Amanda Rose.(Twin) You know you’re really close sisters when you both go through almost the exact same crap and both go through the exact same hell hole the devil keeps circling you in and yet in the end your still standing. Not to mention you come out stronger than ever. She and I have been through a lot of crap in our lives, both had people walk all over us and use us in any way possible. This past year I’ve watched her come out of a place that she had been stuck for a long time and I had come out of it right along with her. My sister is truly one of my biggest heroes. After everything I see in her a light like I’ve never seen before. I absolutely adore her. She’s beautiful and extremely talented and I know for fact that God has BIG plans for her life. I love you Mandy ♥

Rusty. Oh brothers, they are always the ones who drive you insane and make fun of you and scare away all the boys. Yes he does a good job at that, but what I see in my brother is compassion and love. He and I can joke around all the time and have fun. But, I know for a fact if I had a problem with anybody he’d be one of the first people I call to come help me. He and I are a lot alike which I think is sometimes part of the reason why we fight. We’re both hard headed and stubborn at times.  But, he is such an incredible leader and such an amazing man of God. It makes me want to be a better person. I have always looked up to him differently than I look up to anyone else because of how much he has inspired me. I love you Rusty ♥

Thomas Jefferson. You know, it’s sad when you leave for college and a few months later you see your LITTLE brother who is now a foot taller than you. Ha. This boy, wow has God blessed him with such an incredible talent. He is so incredibly gifted with music it makes me so jealous. He and I used to fight a lot but now that I’m away from him I miss him a lot. He’s so amazing. My brother though he may be hard headed at times has so much power and strength and he is unbelievably smart. He knows so much about things that I have no idea what he’s talking about. He is someone who is always trying to make other people laugh and have a good time. I’m blessed to call him my baby brother. I love you Tj ♥

Sherice. She is such a gifted person inside and out. She is one of the nicest people I know. I remember in the summer staying up late sitting in the living room talking to her about everything, telling how much my life sucks and she would always sit and listen to me babble on and on about all the same pointless drama and I admire her for that. Most people would push it off and be like get a grip and move on. She is an amazing person and I’m so blessed she is a part of our family and since the day I met her the first thing she said to me on how to remember how to spell her name was “she’s a piece of rice” to this day I still remember that every time I look at her. She’s a sweetheart. I love you Shaniqua ♥

The last dream I realized I never fulfilled was the boyfriend role and quite frankly I’m okay with that at this point in my life. During high school I chased after all the wrong guys and it ended up hurting me a lot more than expected. I put together so many fairy tales of me falling in love. But, to be honest if I would have dated any of the guys from my past I have no idea where I’d be now because none of them were good for me and they all were involved with stuff they shouldn’t have been. I had this dream of dating someone who was exactly like me, loud, funny always making people laugh, someone who isn’t afraid to state his opinion. I thought he’d like the exact same things I did, talked like I did. But, obviously when you’re following after your dreams and not God’s that’s not exactly what you’ll get. At the end of 2008 I began to pray for a guy to come into my life so I could stop settling for the jerk guys who were in my life at the time. Then when I thought I had found the only guy I thought I would end up being with and that fell apart I began to cry out to God daily to bring me someone who could take his spot because he was not by any means what I wanted in a boyfriend. It took me a long time to feel okay again after losing someone i thought i was meant to be with. But, God gave me strength and told me everything was going to be alright and to trust Him.

It’s funny when you give God description on how you want someone to be when you date them or how you want something to play out and he gives you the complete opposite of what you ask for.

It's funny how since then I've been blessed with such a difference in my perspective on what kind of person i should be with.

^^That boy right there^^

may not be what I expected in my past, but I know for a fact he is going to be playing a big part in my future. ♥

He's the reason why God had me wait for so long not to be with someone. He is probably the sweetest person I know. I'm beyond blessed to even say he is apart of my life. Through him I have come to realize that no matter what you face in life, God always has a bigger plan than you expect. He showed me that no matter what the devil may throw at you on a daily basis God is still the conqueror of all things. It took me 2 years of praying and crying out to God to bring me one guy who could show me they weren't like every other boy in the world. I met that one guy last summer and since the day i met him my life has changed completely. I'm really glad God brought him into my life right at the perfect timing. (: He's such a sweetheart & I honestly don't know what I'd do without him :) ♥

God’s blessed me with so many people that make me smile. I don't know where i'd be with out any of them.

My ultimate #1. God. He showed me i didn't have to be involved with the world and he's the one who got me through everything. (:

#2. My AMAZING family. I'd be absolutely nothing without them. They are my life. (:

#3. Stephen Jay Schneider. He's such an amazing person and I can see now that he is exactly the type of guy I want to be with (:

I know one thing for sure after looking at all these things this past week. God has a plan. He always has it all worked out. A lot of changes are still going to happen in my life and I have to be ready to face them. But, the things I listed above are three of the things I probably cherish most about what God has given to me. I truly am blessed. I love every part of my life and I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. ♥

Every cloud has a silver lining.

You know, something that always amazes me is that God is faithful no matter what.  You can be having the crappiest day of your life and He can still bring something along to bring a smile to your face.

A few days ago we got back from a Master’s Commission Conference in Texas. In the beginning of the first service I was feeling very convicted and like I was doing something wrong during worship before the service. So, I began to speak to God saying, “God, what am I doing wrong? This doesn’t feel right. Why do I feel this way? I’m trying to give you everything in my life and grow closer but I’m feeling further away.”  Then I just stood there and all the sudden I became still and I heard God say, “Kimmy, are you really giving me everything?”

See, so easy as Christians we think it’s all easy giving it up to God and giving Him control will be simple. Well, I’m here to be one of the few to say it’s not easy. It’s hard to not give up and say, “Okay God, you did a great job running my life yesterday but uhm yea today I think I can handle. Thanks though.” It’s so easy to go right into being in control of our lives. It’s not about what we want in our lives though it’s about what God has called us to do. That’s something we need to realize as Christians.

God has huge plans for me and I came to realize in that service the other day that the reasons those plans aren’t following through is because of one thing, the fact that I am not willing to give God the full control over my life that He is longing for.

As we went on in the conference I came to realize I had been holding on to a lot of crap from my past that I was being stubborn and holding onto. 

Well as that morning went on and the rest of the day God really challenged me and the question of “Are you giving everything?” literally kept popping up everywhere. Until finally in the night service I was like I can’t hold onto this anymore. I was finally willing to lay down everything even the dumb little things I thought were pointless. After that service I can’t tell you how much peace I felt and am still feeling today.

Then the next morning I woke up feeling a little crappy and a little frustrated but, I put a smile on my face and acted like everything was okay. Well during the service the night before they had an offering and the question again popped into my mind “are you giving everything?” right as I heard it that time I looked down and saw my wallet laying on top my purse and God told me to give all the cash I had left and at first i struggled with it, but when i started to walk down to put the money in God said be ready for a blessing.  

You know what’s funny is when God blesses you sometimes it’s in days, weeks or even months. But, when they come fast it’s really cool to witness. Monday night I gave God all the money left inside my wallet, Tuesday night I ended up winning an Ipad at the conference. To me an Ipad means nothing, because I’m not an Apple person really but as soon as I realized I won I was in shock because all I could hear at the moment of all the excitement was God saying, ”See I told you I’d bless you.” It was probably the greatest blessing ever.

So, if you’re having a crappy day today, look at it this way, a new dawn is coming. Everything we go through that is hard or troubling or where we want to give up. First off remember that if you give God the control of your life like He wants everything is a lot easier than you think.  Also remember out of the crap you face today God is bringing something bigger and better for you tomorrow. Because God has a reason for putting us through everything and He always shows us what we’re made of in those times.

PLEASE NOTE: I’m not by any means saying tomorrow you’re going to go out and God’s going to give you an Ipad. That was not the point of my story AT ALL . Lol. The point is, give everything up to God. It’s so much easier when He’s in control and you’re not.

A day of thinking...

So, today has been a pretty off day for me. I don't really know what is wrong. Everything I do i seem to be in the worst slump ever. I'm second guessing a lot of choices today. & I'm definitely over thinking everything.

I very rarely get in these moods. But, when I do even I hate to be around myself because I'm not the normal upbeat person I am all the time. I don't like being sad and depressed feeling.

God has been showing me a lot lately & I think that is part of the problem. Sometimes as Christians when God shows us or tells us things we sometimes get scared. For example when God tells me things sometimes they make me just want to cry because I don't want to do them, because usually that involves me having to change something. I think that's why I’m in this little yuck mode.

God has been showing me a lot of things I need to change and i need to work on. He's also been pushing me to use my talents and abilities he has given me instead of keeping them in. I don't do well when God tells me to open up about things sometimes. I need to work on that.

Another thing I am having trouble working on is opening up. I don't like opening up about my problems. I'm so used to say "Oh, no I’m fine" or "I don't want to talk about it. I'll be fine really". I don't like overloading people with my problems. I honestly believe that for me sometimes that if I talk about my worst fear it will become a reality and I’m absolutely terrified of that. I have a hard time trusting people as it is. Because I'm so used to having people there for me then one day just disappearing.

That is probably one of my biggest fears. That I’m going to become extremely close with someone or certain people and then they just walk out of my life. I've always had this terrible thought in the back of my mind every time i start a new friendship and i really need to pray against that & pray for God to prove me wrong. & to show me that there are people who aren't like that.

Today I realized that I can't live like this anymore. I have to be willing to open up to people and to except change because if I don't I will end up killing myself inside. Holding all my pain and suffering in only hurts one person, ME. I don't need any more pain. I also realized that no matter what things are always going to be hard. Friendships are hard. Relationships are hard at times. I can't live in the mindset though that there isn't a silver lining behind the clouds. 

I believe that God has a reason for putting me in these little moods. I've realized a lot today and God has really been stretching me. I constantly ask God "why are you letting me go through with this?" But, it's not usually the verbal answer I'm looking for, it's the physical. God has brought me to see many things this week that I didn't even notice.

On my crappiest days God can still make me smile. For example the other day i was having a day quite similar to today and I had someone come to me and thank me and tell me how special I was to them just because I wrote them a short little note and left it for them to see. God uses me as a blessing in disguise sometimes and I don't even realize it.

I pray I can still be willing to be blessing to people and still show God's love and kindness everywhere I go. Even on my bad days I hope God can always open the door for me to always be a light to someone who needs it.

God use me. My desire is to be used by you no matter what I'm going through.

You're not alone.

When sitting in the class the other day all I kept saying was "dang it this class always hits me where it hurts." It's always right at the moment usually when I need to hear something most that God opens the door for it to be heard.

So often I live in this little mind set of setting goals to get done each day the night before, but there are those days that some things just go wrong and it completely throws me off my whole schedule.Whether it be big or small it still throws me off track every time.

The video we watched in class the other day was talking about how when we usually face suffering we aren't alone even when we think we are.This is something I have personally struggled with believing.

Over the past few years I've been through a lot. It all started when my grandmother passed away in 2008. It was honestly the hardest thing for me. She was my absolute best friend. The person I told EVERYTHING to. I became so angry at God and I kept yelling at him all the time saying "God, why did you take her? It wasn't her time. I still needed her to help me. I still need her to guide me. God, why are doing this to me?"

I asked those questions everyday for 3 months. I became so angry at everyone. I didn't understand what God was doing to me. I became completely numb to every emotion. It took 3 months of depression and anger to take me to the point til I was finally ready to fall down at the feet of the cross and feel the emotions again and have God take the pain away.

The emptiness I had inside after my grandmother died, I had to let God fill with His love and strength. It was hard, but God still prevailed and helped me fight to stay out of falling into depression again.

Well thinking everything would all be better after that I get back into the real world, trying to follow after God everyday. I became distracted with things. Such as my friends for example and all their problems. I let all of the things my friends were going through take my focus off God and instead of first going to God and asking what I should do I did the dumb thing and tried to fix everything myself. It became extremely hard for me when I realized that every person in my life that I was close to at the time was using me as a crutch more than they were using  me as a friend. I started to feel betrayed and used.

It only got worse and worse over the past 2 years. Every person that I loved and cared about the most were either dealing with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationship problems, family problems and things way worse even though thank God I was never involved personally with any of that, it was still a huge burden on me this passed summer.

Once again I had fallen into the same pattern I was in before. Completely numb to the emotions, putting others before myself, living life to only make others feel good. I had completely forgot God was even there to be honest. I lived in this little world that I literally had everyone come to me dump out all there problems on me, I'd do everything in my power to fix it then they'd come back the next week with something new.

Until finally one day it all went away. I lost everything I thought that mattered to me. Every friend I thought always cared about me, left me with no excuses and I felt like I had no one. Again I found myself in the same situation not to long before this time, but this time I was beyond pissed off at God. Saying "God I don't get it! I don't know what you're trying to do this time! I don't get why all you do is take, take, take from me! I can't play this game anymore. I'm done pretending to be happy. What do you want from me?"

Here's the funny about God if you ask Him a question, he'll give you an answer. In that moment I started to see flashbacks of my life with those friends over the last 2 years and God began to speak while I saw each scene. Each new playback God would ask me "Kim, what did they do for you after you did that? Nothing. You took up their cross that they needed to carry and they would just use you as the bridge to get to me. Tell me what is it that brought you to this place you had to fall and scream at me? Because you were betrayed and hurt and now your suffering the consequences. Well here's what it comes down to, real simple really. You either surrender your life for your friends and their needs or you surrender your life for me and I can carry you through day by day."

It took me losing everything to realize the one thing that mattered most that I was missing. It came down to me having nothing left for me to see all the sacrifices i had made, all the burdens i had carried. I completely broke down and gave God everything that night. I remember thinking I was the only one who was suffering and I heard God say to me "I'm suffering with you, but we're going to make it through this together."

It's funny how we tend to always find God in our sad moments of life. It's then we realize what were really missing to show us the comfort we  are longing for.

You know some of the people reading this may say, so what I've faced worse than you, and I'm not saying you haven't I'm sure some have. But, you also don't know my whole story so. Even though my suffering may seem small compared to some I know one thing we all suffer in some way and I know I'm not alone anymore now that I realize that. I know God is right along side of me dealing with the same things I'm dealing with, feeling the same pain I'm feeling.


This probably made no sense to anyone. Basically a small part of my past hurt all mixed up into this little blog. But, the main point I was trying to face was that, when you're suffering with something remember you are never alone. Someone is always fighting the same battle. Most importantly though remember God is fighting the battle with you and through Him we are always more than conquers. Don't give up hope. Continue to stay strong.