Love isn't sex.

Yesterday my fiancé told me I was beautiful and he loved me. I felt like I was on cloud 9. Just to note, I was wearing jeans a shirt and a cardigan. Nothing special or fancy or flashy. 

When walking around the mall later in the day, I walked past so many couples. Young couples and all the girls I saw wore short short dresses/skirts and just let everything out. Leaving nothing to the imagination.  Looking at the girls faces you could see them searching for something. Something they knew they shouldn't be. But, when looking at the boys faces, they were beaming because they knew what they were getting for valentines day just like that. 

What happened to women in society today? Why must women feel like they have to take off there clothes to feel loved? Why do they feel like they have just let it all out just to get attention? 

Pointer, if it's the middle of winter and your skirt/dress is shorter than your jacket, that's a problem. I understand everywhere you look there's always something telling you that you need to change and be better for your man. Show more skin, wear more makeup, wear taller heels. 

Well I'm here to say, God didn't put you on this earth to be someone else's one night stand. He put you on this earth to be sought after and to be loved and cared for by a man who will love you with your clothes on. You are worth so much more than what you think or what he tells you. Sex isn't love. Real love is selfless, kind, caring, it's not jealous or boastful. Love isn't having a guy who uses you one night then ignores you the next and talks to another girl. It's not about being okay with him talking to other girls because you assume he's coming back to you at night. 

As a women I've seen all the tv commercials, magazines, store adds. Everything. But I was taught growing up to value myself, don't give myself away until my wedding night and I hold to that. It's not easy all the time. If I'm honest. After all, I am human. What I'm saying is I don't need to put myself out there to feel loved. You wanna know what I did for valentines day? I sat and watched Star Trek with my valentine. I'm not the biggest fan of this movie but I watched it anyways. But of course after that I made him watch a girly movie like Safe Haven. ;) 

My point if you shouldn't have to feel like this guy your with is the one is only there for one reason. Wait for the guy who loves you and respects you for who you are. Never change. I would love to be able to walk around a mall and see people who don't have the need to dress like its 98 degrees in the middle of a snowy winter day. Life is worth so much more than just giving away your worth. Start valuing yourself again. Your better than what you portray. 

P.U.S.H.

Pray until something happens.


With it being the week of Thanksgiving I just want to share a story about someone who is very important to me and who I am so incredibly thankful for. This story is about a boy named Stephen Jay.

I met this boy a little over 2 years ago and from the instant I met him I knew he would change my life forever just by one look. The instant we made eye contact I verbally heard God's voice speak to me and tell me "that is what you've been praying for for all those years, that right there is your future." At the time I was at a place where I wanted no one close to me so I pushed it out and pretended it never happened. Little did I know God had a lot more in store for me than I expected.

Over the next few months I found myself falling for him and checking out new ways to get to know him. I realized God had something special planned for he and I, I just didn't know when the timing would be for it to start. Well long story short we lost contact for awhile in the middle of all this for about 13 months. I found myself constantly thinking about him and praying for him. Around September or October of last year I got a little beaded bracelet that a lady I knew from my old church had made that had the word PUSH on it which means, pray until something happens. When I got it I said, "God, this may be silly but I really want SOMETHING to happen. I don't know what that could be but I just want to see SOMETHING happen." & God spoke to me and said "Pray for Steve, he will be back in your life soon and you need to be ready. I promise you."

Well, that wasn't the "something" I was expecting, but I listened to God and began to pray. I never took the bracelet off and I prayed everyday that God would protect him and bring him back somehow. I would walk into the church every time and think, 'maybe today is the day.' I remember being disappointed when he wasn't there and becoming almost frustrated with God because I felt like he had almost forgot what he had said and my prayers weren't working anymore. Well at the end of April I got the news he was coming back and instead of being happy at first I slightly panicked and questioned why God would choose the timing he did. I had so many emotions when I found out that I didn't know how to react.When I first saw him I couldn't help but cry at how happy I was. I was in complete shock. I remember looking down at my bracelet that night and hearing God say, "I never forget my promises."

It took me a few weeks to get used to having him back around, but I felt like God had everything under control. By a month of him being back everything started to change. I started to want to talk to him more and want to know more about him. I caught myself constantly looking for him whenever I knew he was around. I started to realize he had consumed my every thought. I began to ask God what was going on and  how I was supposed to feel because I knew I loved him around end of May beginning of June. I knew he was it for me. No ifs, ands, or buts. I knew that God was telling him the same things he was telling me at that time and we both knew it is only because of God and his love and guidance that we have made it to this point.


I know that God has been with us this whole time through our whole relationship. God has changed both of us so much and made us stronger than ever before. I believe God has blessed our relationship so much over these past few months almost daily with new blessings and wisdom. I am so thankful for this guy. He's the one who has changed everything for me. He is my whole world and I wouldn't trade him for anything. He makes me smile on days I feel like crap and puts up with me when all I do is whine. Even when I'm a negative Nancy, he still loves me. I love him so much more than he will ever know.  He's the greatest blessing God has ever given me and I couldn't be happier. I'm so excited for everything God has in store for us. He has so many amazing plans for our future and I can't wait to spend them with him by my side. I know no matter what, that in the years to come we will always be there for each other.


I started praying over a year ago that God would make just one thing happen that I could have hope in, and if you would have asked me if I expected to be where I am today then, I would have told you heck no! I still keep that bracelet on as a reminder of God's promises. It helped me realize that when you pray for something, unless you have faith, nothing will work out how you want. If you want something to change and you want to see a miracle, start praying about it and believing God has already given it to you. I'm speaking from experience. Don't forget the promises God has spoken to you, believe in them and trust Him. If I would have ignored God last year and never started praying, who knows where Steve and I would be today. I'm thankful God had everything worked out all along.

Stephen Jay,
Thank you for being in my life and loving me unconditionally even when I least deserve it. You are the most handsome guy I know. Even on your bad days I still find more and more reasons to love you. I am so thankful for all you've done for me and all you've put up with from me. I'm thankful God brought you into my life and has changed me from the moment we first met. You have become my best friend. Thank you for making me feel safe. You're incredible inside and out. I can't wait to find new things to love about you everyday in the years to come. Our story might sound crazy to other people, but it's my favorite and I'm glad you understand it with me. :) I love you sooooo much. 
Ps-You are great. You are wonderful. You are handsome. You are amazing. But, my personal favorite...You are mine. :) I love you babe. 

Love is patient.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud.
Love is not rude.
Love does not demand it's own way.
Love keeps no record of wrong.
Love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

This is my all time favorite passage in the Bible. Some say it's because I'm a lover or a romantic. I don't disagree with them about that. But, as some people look at this and say "I want that in life. God bring that into my life in someone else." I say, "God, make me this." I break down every line and see how God can make me into a person who can love like this. I want to be able to love like this in every relationship in my life.

I want to be able to be patient in every circumstance. Whether it be good, bad or ugly. I know God has a plan and will see me through. I know sometimes things get  hard and I just have to wait and trust God that everything will work out.

I want to be kind in every aspect of life. I want to be able to show love to people even by just a smile or hug. It's the simple things in life that will always matter most.

I don't want to ever be jealous or proud of myself or my accomplishments in life. I want to live a life where God gets all the glory for everything. I'm just a simple servant with a big future thanks to him.

I want to always have a gentle spirit to how i joke with things with people. I would never want to hurt the people I'm closest with. Even a small joke can stick with someone forever.

It's not about me. I don't want to look at life as how am I supposed to please Kimmy. I want to serve my King. He put me here for a reason. It's not about me, yes at times I become selfish but I'm human. I can be real.

I have a history and so does everyone. I'm not here to bring up every mistake in you. I'm here to say the past is the past and you've been set free. I won't hold anything over your head because you make a mistake. Instead I will say, "how can we fix it so it doesn't happen again?"All sin is equal. I've done stupid stuff I'm not going to judge you because you sin differently than you have. It's not my job.


I don't want to focus on the negative things of life. I want to look at life with positive outlook. I want to see things the way Christ sees them. Even when things look rough, I will always find a way to find the good in every situation.

I will never give up on the ones I love. I promise. I would go through anything to make sure that the people i love are safe and happy. Things go wrong and people change, but my God is forever and I know He will always be there to give me strength to hold onto the things I'm supposed to hold onto. No matter how big or little the situations I will always look to God for His wisdom and guidance to help guide me.


I'm nothing special, I'm a simple girl with big dreams. I try my best to show love to everyone I meet. I try to be as real as I can. I'm growing everyday. I'm stretching everyday. I want to go to a new level of love. I want to be able to have people look at me and they can see God's love shining through me.

God's placed dreams inside of me to change the way people look at themselves. I want people to be able to see what God sees in them. I want them to feel loved.

Love is more than just a word, it's an action. You can't just say I love you, you have to show it with how you act. If you're saying I love you to someone, but you don't show them you truly care in someway then your words mean nothing. Christ loves us and He tells us in so many ways. Look around you, He's giving you everything in your life. Still can't see what I'm talking about? Take a deep breath for me. God gives you each breath because He loves you and you are called to great things. What will you give Him? How will you tell Him you love Him today? Maybe loving an enemy you've been trying to avoid would be that cause. You can't hold onto bitterness and anger it will only destroy you in every way. Let it go. God doesn't hold onto your mistakes why should you be different to anyone else? Maybe something isn't working in your timing right now and you're getting frustrated, just remember God is right there with you and He is saying "I love you so much. You need to realize this is not the time for this, I have a time that will be right and you just have to trust me that I know whats best for you. I know every plan for you. Each day of your life I already have planned out. You just need to trust me. Life isn't always easy, but I'm always here."

Love is a powerful thing. What will you do to show Christ's love today? Life is to short to not love people.

We love because He first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Thankful for God's timing.

Have you ever felt that if you had one thing your whole life would be different? Or if just one thing would have changed you wouldn't have ended up where you are now?

Imagine with me for a second, if God gave you something you had wanted a year ago, would you have ended up where He has lead you now? Answer is, probably not.

As I was talking to God tonight and talking with a few people this week, I was talking about all the things God has done for me over this past year and half of my life. There has been so many changes and mountains I've climbed. This time last year I was asking God for things just to fill in holes in my life not because I needed them. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of having those "things" that I would get mad when I didn't get them when I wanted them.

Throughout the course of the past 18 months I've learned so much about God's timing. For instance when I started my dating fast last March. That wasn't when God first told me to start it, but because I was selfish and didn't want to listen I ignored God the first time. Do I regret starting when I did? No. It couldn't have been a better time. It was hard, I won't lie. I didn't know what to do. It was weird how as the year went on I had a timeline of events that kept adding up along the way that I kept having to ask God about, but at the end it all made a lot more sense and I got something I wasn't expecting. I dreaded the fast some days, but in the end it was the best decision I had ever made. I came out of that fast with a new identity and a new confidence that no one could ever take away from me. I was and still am a completely different person. This time last year I was a scared girl who just wanted to be loved. During my fast I learned how to fall deeply in love with the one who first loved me before I was even born. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to be in love with such an amazing God. And I realized I don't need a boy to tell me they love me or that I'm beautiful, because to God I am beautiful and He will never stop loving me no matter what.

Around this time last year I was still trying to find what God had called me to do and who I was supposed to be. I was pretending to be something I wasn't for awhile. I am so thankful that God showed me who I was during that time. I'm glad I didn't end up how I thought I was supposed to. I found a new place of freedom with God. I've been able to knock down so many walls even just in this past month that I had had built for years and never saw. These walls had held me back from so much growing I had been trying to reach for. I've had new opportunities to start over and it feels so good. I couldn't be more thankful for what God is doing and the greatest part is, none of this would have even been in my plans if you would have asked me this time last year. I wouldn't have ever believed you if you told me I would have a second chance to be happy again and follow after my dreams. I had buried those things a long time ago. God has placed so many amazing people in my life and great doors open right in front of me. I couldn't be happier with where He has put me. & the best part is I know that right where I'm at now, is just the beginning. I know God has a lot of plans for me coming soon. Including new places, new jobs, new changes and new relationships. God is so amazing and I seriously thank Him so much for not allowing me to have the things I wanted back then. I'm glad whenever I throw a fit like a spoiled brat when I don't get something God says' "One day, you'll understand why." It makes a whole lot of sense once you're on the other side of the story.

God's got the plan, not me. ♥

Before continuing to read. Stop and listen to this song. 

Isn't it funny how sometimes we can be so blind to what is going on around us even in the midst of all our chaos? Over these past few weeks I've had a lot going on and I've literally sat in my bed almost every night saying 'okay God, that's enough I can't handle anymore.' Or, 'you can step in whenever you want God. It be great to at least see you in this too.' I was looking at everything as I'm handling the world on my own and I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was getting attacked with something new each and every day. I was having a really bad week 2 weeks ago and I got worse and worse news literally every morning and I finally got to the point where I just cried and screamed and said 'God, I can't do this anymore. Why aren't you here?' & I had my Ipod on and the song that came on after I said that was the one I just had you listen to. I put it on repeat for at least an hour and just listened to the lyrics.

I had felt so numb before listening to the song, like no one was there. I felt like God was looking down at me saying 'eh, she'll make it by herself'....hopefully.' I began to give up in the slightest ways. I stopped believing in myself, I lost trust in the people closest to me, I put up a guard. It felt like my world had been on repeat all over again of all the crap I had been through in my past. I questioned everything. Then as I was listening to this song, I began to receive the healing God was trying to pour out on me all along.

I didn't understand why God was having everything happen to me now, all at once. Then in the middle of it all, I remembered something that someone told me when I was going through a lot a little over a year ago. God never gives you more than you can handle..

In that moment, I felt free. 

When I thought I couldn't handle anything else, God kept adding more. This past weekend I was talking to one of my friends about all the stuff in my life and I was explaining everything that had been going on in my life recently and I said 'I don't understand what God's trying to show me, but I know it's something big.' After one of the sermons ended this weekend I literally stood up and in my mind said 'God I just want answers.' God's reply was almost audible and He said, "I told you to give me your life, now trust me with the rest."

God started to talk to me about my dreams I have, and the visions He has given me. He talked to me about the lifestyle He has chosen for me. I had given up on all of it, because I had the enemy telling me I wasn't good enough to finish out the work God had intended for me. Which was a load of crap! God has called me to touch lives and reach the people who don't feel loved and who don't believe in themselves. God has a very special calling on my life and I am so excited for what He has in store.

I may be going through a lot lately, but it's nothing me and God can't handle. God's allowing me to become more grounded in Him and surrounding myself with people who lift me up and not bring me down. I have a big God & I believe He's about to do bigggg things not only in my life, but in a lot of people around me. I'm so excited for what God's about to do.

God has a special calling on your life too, I don't know what the enemy has spoken over you, but just know, you are worth it and you are good enough. God has a plan for you, He wants to take you to the next level and see you make it to the place He's called you to go. He wants to see you graduate and move onto the career of your dreams. He wants to see you marry the person you've been waiting for all along. He wants to see you hold your first child and fall in love with them in the instant they touch your arms. He wants to see you reach every dream you've ever had. He wants to see you happy. It doesn't matter how old you are, God has a plan & even if it feels like you don't understand what that is right now. God does, so don't sweat it. You have nothing to worry about. :) Jeremiah 29:11 says it all.  ♥


It's funny how 2 weeks ago I would have told you everything wrong with my life and then God changed it all around with a song. Sometimes it's just the little things that God's trying to get our attention with. :)

My Identity is found in Christ <3




As I went out today it was the first time in a long time I didn't wear make up in public.As soon as I pulled out of the driveway I became so insecure thinking people would look at me differently. I thought people would judge me because I wasn't wearing make up. You may think that is the silliest thing to think but, I sometimes think as Christians we may trust in God but we still find things to hide behind so we don't have to face stuff when we get scared. For me, I know sometimes I tend to hide behind make up to make me feel like I'm somewhat of a "better person." It may sound silly but it's something that I know personally I've been working on. It's not a big deal, but some people struggle with bigger things than make up to hide their pain in life and they let certain things define how they live their lives. For instance, for me it's make up, but for you it could be music, your car, wardrobe, the movies you watch, the places you hang out, the friends you have. Any of these can be something someone tries to hide behind.

As I was driving home after going to work for awhile then going shopping a song came on my Ipad and it was called Idenity by Lecrae. The lyrics hit me today and it made me look at how this society is now a days.

The verse that hit me in this song was the verse about the girl and how she sees herself. Here are the lyrics.




Got her hair done, toes, nails
Is that Her, well it's hard to tell
Cause she's so caked up in all that make up
It's like she tryna make up for what she ain't but,
She's a saint, but so confused
Cause she's been rejected by all these dudes
That tell her on a scale of 10 she's a two
But that ain't true
If she only knew
In Christ she is loved, she secure and accepted
Never be rejected by God whose elected her
Her beauty is her Godliness
And she ain't gotta flaunt it cause it's obvious
Identity is found in the God we trust
And any other identity will self destruct
Identity is found in the God we trust
And any other identity will self destruct

This almost brought me to tears to think about this. I've looked at myself as that girl so many times, I'm a lot better than I've been, but something I've noticed lately is that I've had a lot of younger girls looking up to me to help them make the next steps in life and girls who just need someone who will be there for them. When I look at those lyrics and see how some of that screams me in so many ways I stopped and thought I don't want those girls to end up like that. I know for a fact my identity is found in Christ. I wish more girls saw themselves like that. If we try to set our own standards of identity other than Christ than we won't make it. 

God made each person special in their own way whether they see it or not. You can't get up the morning expecting that everything is going to go perfect if you don't start the morning with the only person who is perfect which is God. If you get up and ask God to show you all the good you can find in the day, I promise you things will change. Who cares what the world thinks of you? God thinks you're wonderful in every way just the way you are. Don't try to change the creation he's made you in. 

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5

I am not defined by the world

Wow! I can't believe it's already March again and the end of my dating fast is in less than a week. It seems like it wasn't to long ago that i was just starting my dating fast and saying "God, teach me what you want out of this year." & oh boy did he!

As i went through this year I learned so much about God, relationships, boys, & most importantly, myself.

I learned that no matter what relationship I ever get into that my relationship with God is the most important and it's where my foundation is based for everything in my life. I have been able to strengthen that foundation more and more each day since starting this fast because it seemed like i finally had my me and God time again. I had pushed God back so much because I was so worried about everyone around me that I didn't want to face it. But, when i finally had to face the fact that I had stuff i needed to work out with God...man, did God hit me hard over this last year.

God has given me clear vision on what I want in a guy and that sometimes waiting is the best time to just keep holding on closer to God. I had a few situations during my fast where I was like it be so easy right now if I wasn't on this stupid fast, but the moment i would say that is when God would show up and show me why i was. I am incredibly thankful that God allowed me to be on this fast at the time I started til now, because it couldn't have been anymore perfect for the timeline to work out.

God showed me so much about myself during this fast and the stuff I'm about to share I have never shared out in public like this so it's a big step for me.

God has given me so much more confidence than ever before because I have always hid behind things in my life for as long as I can remember. I was really good at wearing a different mask each day and say everything was okay. I pretty much was like a robot. Growing up I had incredibly tough self image problems and I would always be afraid I would never be good enough or that no guy would ever love me for who I am. I thought that I had let go of all that a longggg time ago until, a few months ago I had someone come to me and say straight to my face "just so you're aware, I never refer to you as the blonde one of the group. I always refer to you as the heavy one." When I heard the words my whole world shrunk and all my insecurities came rushing back into me and I instantly wanted to curl up in a ball and just cry. In that moment the exact words that ran through my mind were, "You will never EVER be good enough for anyone because you aren't pretty enough or skinny enough for anyone ever to love you." I just stood there in complete shock. But, this is when I really had to look to God for strength in this moment, because I just looked back into that persons eyes and I just laughed and turned and walked away before I said something I regret because I knew it was the devil just trying to get under my skin. I walked away and I went and called my mom because I was upset and my mom was like "Kim, you've come a long way and you used to be a lot more insecure than you are now. You lost over 30 pounds alone last year and for that, I'm proud of you. It doesn't matter who you are to other people all that matters is who God sees you as." After I got off the phone with her I felt 10 feet tall and I said to myself no weapons or words on earth can destroy me. I am not what the world thinks of me, I am a child of God.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4 <3



Since that moment every time I start to feel like I'm not good enough I remind myself that the world does not define me or define who I am. To the world you aren't pretty unless you have a certain body type of certain hair color or shop at certain stores. Well, God has showed me that I am beautiful and I don't have to be a size 2 to be called beautiful, because it doesn't matter how pretty people are on the outsides if they aren't living for God and aren't giving God their hearts on the inside they are still hideous. I have fully surrendered my life to Lord and Father Jesus Christ.

I have learned through this that God has shown me that in Him I am beautiful because of Christ, and if I have a guy who can't see that in me and tries to change me for any reason at all then he doesn't deserve my heart at all. I deserve the best and I deserve a guy who will see who I am in Christ.

I can't wait to see who God brings into my life in the future to marry. I believe that God has the perfect guy for me. Someone who understands me and understands that some days I need more attention than other days. Someone who can put up with me constantly laughing at everything and laughing at myself, but someone who also understands that I don't cry often, but when I do I just need to sit and be held by him and let it out. Someone who will watch movies with me and hold my hand when I get scared or laugh with me when I'm laughing. Someone who can understand that yes I am almost 20 and I still love boy bands like One Direction & Justin Bieber. Someone who reminds me that I am good enough in his eyes. Someone who falls in love with me and doesn't walk away. Someone I can trust and love and care for. Someone I know won't walk away from me when I'm old and gray and wrinkly. But, most importantly someone who loves God more than he could ever love me.

I am incredibly thankful for the things God has taught me over this year and I'm thankful for the people he's placed in my life and taken out. God's still doing a lot of gardening in my life with putting things in place and taking stuff out, but I'm happy to be taking it piece by piece with Him guiding me and I can't wait to see the finished product in the end. I know God is speaking to my future husband right now and setting up the day we fall in love right now. I pray for him every time I get the chance. I am sitting with anticipation for all God has in store for my life. So happy for being able to set my foundation straight in my life! :)


I truly believe that this verse sums up everything.
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  Psalm 37:4 <3

God is writing my love story ♥

As I'm growing near to the end of my dating fast I've realized how blessed of life God has given me. I have so much inside of me that was never there before. God has allowed me to push through many trials and obstacles over this last year of my life that I never thought I could. Over these last few months of my fast I’ve asked God for a complete change in me and completely new level of love to rise up from within me for His people. God has put a passion in me to look at someone and love them more than I ever could before.

I asked God to help me see the type of woman I want to be to my future husband someday and these are just a few we came up with…

 I want to be the type of woman that is lost in God that I don’t ever want to get out instead my husband would have to come in just as deep to ever fall in love with me.

 I want to be a woman that can always look for a deeper way to show love to each person I’m in contact with each day.

 I want to be a woman who isn’t afraid to chase her dreams of wanting a family.

 I want to be a woman who raises a Godly family and sets the example of that family with each step she takes.

 I want to be a woman who is humble and can accept change.

I want to be a woman who can support my husband no matter what.

God has been working on all these things in my heart over these last few months of my fast. I believe God has some big things in store for my future and the man I am going to be with down the road. I haven’t only been talking to God about what I want to be in a future relationship, but I have been talking to him about what type of man I hope to one day marry as well…

I want a man who has God first no matter what.

I want a man who isn’t afraid to tell me what he feels and doesn’t hide things from me.

I want a man who supports me and respects me.

I want a man I would be proud to have a family with one day.

I want a man who loves me for all my imperfections.

I want a man who is loving and gentle.

I want a man who isn’t afraid to admit he has problems, but also isn’t afraid to ask for help to get through them.

I want a man to search more for what God has in the future than dwell on what happened in his past.

I believe God had me start this fast at exactly the right timing. It was hard at times I won’t lie, but as I look back over these last 11 months I couldn’t be happier for what God helped me overcome. I cannot wait to see what the future holds. I know God has s beautiful love story coming my way and I can’t wait. I’m in no rush right now because I’m enjoying my Daddy and me time. Getting to know God and falling more in love with him each day is the best thing ever to me. (:

‎"When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances. Wait patiently, don't waste your time searching and wishing. Grow and be ready, you'll see, God will give you a love story far better than you could ever dream of." ♥

-this was a quote I read recently that I have learned to love. I can’t wait until God brings that person I’m supposed to marry into my life. I’m just like every other girl who wants to fall in love with the perfect guy. (: I can’t wait until God reveals that person to me, but as for now I’m just happy to sit back and watch as He is still slowly writing out my love story.

God knows the desires of my heart & I know he would never let me settle for less than I deserve. So, as I only have a little less than 2 months left with this fast my goal is hold closer to God than ever before because I can definitely feel where the devil is trying to guide me astray. I am loving the ride so far on this journey.

Jesus, You are my strength. ♥

She knew that many were the plans in her heart but that God’s purpose would prevail. Proverbs 19:21 ♥

I'm so happy you care ♥

Sometimes it amazes me just how much God really does care about us. I personally am someone who messes up on a daily basis with stupid stuff and yet at the end of the day God still just wants me to sit and talk to him about everything in my life.

We serve a God that is so big that he even cares about the little things in our lives. God wants to tell me things and talk to me about my future. He's made me promises that have been hard to trust in lately, but at the end of the day when i come to him all frustrated all i hear is "did you forget who's in charge? Just trust me."

I know personally it's extremely hard to trust in something you can't physically put your eyes on at times. In the past few months God has given me so much insight on what he has in store for my future, but right now it's all like a giant puzzle with a large majority of the pieces still missing. It's difficult when i look at the big picture and still see the cracks. Something God has been teaching me a lot about lately whether I want to learn it or not is how to be patient when listening to his voice. Sometimes when i know God is speaking to me about something i get rather impatient and expect results right away and when i don't see them i get really upset and start to worry, but something i have to always remember is God ALWAYS has a plan. He won't tell me something and then take it back. When God speaks, I have to listen and trust him.

I know it can be hard at times when going through life day by day waiting on things to change and waiting for what seems like forever to have a breakthrough, but sometimes God needs us to walk through the valleys so he can help pull us up to the top of the mountain. I know I can't give up on what God has said to me. I'm thankful for a God who loves me and cares for me and wants what's best for me. I'm thankful for a God who no matter how I feel always wants to know how i feel even on the bad days. I'm thankful for a God who cares about me more than anyone on this earth ever could. ♥

So my word to you is this, don't take God for granite, all he wants to do is sit and talk to you. He cares about you more than you can even imagine. He wants to know everything about you, what's holding you back from pouring your heart out to him? He'll never tell you anything that he knows you couldn't handle hearing. He blows me away with all the amazing things he's done for me and everything he's spoken to me. I have faith that everything he says is true, even on days of doubt. I hope you can find that same faith and realize today that God really does care about you. Don't forget that. (:

& along came my Best Friend =]

God is so good to me lately; I can hardly handle how much good stuff he's poured into my life over these past few months. I have found new ways to thank him each and every day. (:

God has given me so much peace and patience over these past few months. I’ve seen God create a miracle in ways I never imagined possible. I’ve physically seen God’s hand guiding my life and it’s been an incredible experience for me.

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged so I’m going to use this time to tell you guys about what’s been going on with me the past few months and talk to you about what God’s been doing to me. & also I'm going to talk to you about my best friend. (:

Okay so after graduation at Master’s last year I was pumped and ready to go for God and start looking into what it was that God was calling me into for the coming semester. I started out fine and was ready to go, but then a wall quickly went up between God and I because of all the junk that instantly starting filling my life. I started to go through a lot of crap with people from the past and started to deal with things in ways I shouldn’t have. I knew I wasn’t at a good place in my life.

I got extremely hurt this summer and I kind of took it the completely wrong way than I should have. I have been hurt in the past, but this summer I felt like was just my breaking point where I was like, will the hurt ever just stop? I finally said "okay God, if you want to keep letting me get into situations that hurt me then I’ll move on and pretend I’m okay with it." & that’s exactly what I did. I went on for the next few months saying I was perfectly fine and I started to do some stupid stuff and talk to people I shouldn’t have been talking to when in all honesty I knew deep down all I was doing was trying to fill a hole. At church and around my good friends, I put on a fake face and pretended I was fine, because inside I was empty and alone.

I specifically remember one night in general where I heard God just gently whisper my name when I was about to go out with a friend who I knew would have ended in a bad situation and that’s when I was like I can’t do this anymore I can’t pretend. When I heard that I felt like a little girl when her daddy gets home from work getting ready to just run into her daddy’s arms because she missed him so much! I was so longing to hear God’s voice say my name; I was so desperate that when I did I just became so overwhelmed. I said God I’m not going to do this anymore, I can’t. So I canceled my plans and God said to just go home and be with my family and I did. It was incredibly special to me to get to spend time with them, because I felt like I had started to lose that.

God broke down a lot of pride that day by simply just saying my name. He’s that powerful that’s all he has to do to get us back on track. <3

Anyways, we went through this time of not talking. I had a tough time processing it all last year, but finally I was willing to let it go and forgive him and ask for his forgiveness for some things.  And I told God that it was in his hands and I trusted him, because he knew how much Zach really did mean to me as a best friend.

So, I went on with life and I started to believe that it was really over with us and I’d never get that chance to be friends with him again. Little did I know that God had something bigger in store for me that I didn’t see coming.

Over the next few weeks Zach ended up messaging me on Facebook just to say hi and see how i was doing, which was random. I honestly thought nothing of it and I said God I don't know what this is, but I don't want it in my life right now.

Then one day I knew God was up to something. Zach began talking to me about a lot of crap he was in at that time and I instantly shut down and was like I want nothing to do with him. But, God kept pushing things and started to talk to me about it and I was like God I want nothing to do with it and I just want to live my life for me. That’s when God said to me “Hmm that’s funny I thought living your life as a Christian was about living for me and you were supposed to go out and help those in need.” So I said okay God, but I’m not making anything happen. If this is what you want, you set it all up. I’m not going to do a thing. If you want something to happen then work a miracle and have him come to me. (I was very much a prideful brat during this time, because I was scared to get hurt again. Even though God said to trust him)

So I finally started to see nothing happening and I was like oh good maybe it’s just not going to happen. Until one day out of the blue, my doorbell rang and my mom answered the door and I walked out into my kitchen to find Zach standing there. At the time my jaw kind of dropped and every emotion possible filled my mind. I had seen him about two weeks before when I ran into him at the carnival and when i saw him there he was a mess compared to when he was standing in my kitchen. I honestly saw no hope in him that night, my exact thoughts were he will never take God seriously and he doesn't really give a crap about his life...anyways that night i realized it had been almost two years since he had stepped foot in my house. When I walked out there I just looked at him at first in complete shock and I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth to say. Until finally he saw me and came and gave me a hug and I still could hardly speak about what was happening. We stood in the kitchen talking about life. He stayed for a little while and then left and when he left I got so emotional so fast. I was praying and I said God you really meant what you said…and He said I told you to just trust me.

Zach ended up apologizing for everything and came to me and said I need to get my life in order and I need your help. Instantly I felt like God was saying ‘go and lead him back to me…push him until he feels like he can’t be pushed anymore and even after that just don’t give up on him, ever.’ So from that day on I did…I said "Zach, the past is the past and it’s over and done with. The friendship we have now is a clean slate. I’m going to push you to follow after God and I’m going to be annoying so, be ready." (:

And so it all started, I pushed him and pushed him towards God in every way I knew possible. I begged him to come to church with me he came once in July and from that weekend on i annoyed him every weekend. There were times I thought he was never going to talk to me again after some of the stuff I was saying to him, but God told me to keep going with it and somehow Zach still kept talking to me and pressing into what I had to say. Another thing that happened was I was still very hesitant to come back for a second year at GMC, but when Zach came back into my life God said to me “if he can get his life in order then why can’t you?” So that next day I sent in my application. (:

It came down to September 23^rd, I texted Zach and I said "so when are you coming to church with me" and he said "when I feel like it." And that’s when I switched and said "I told you I was going to push you and I told you that this isn’t going to be easy, so either start taking it seriously or nothing is going to change." I didn’t get an answer for a good three maybe four hours after that. Until finally later that night I got a text saying ‘when are we going to church this weekend?’  I had to be at the church the next day by eight in the morning and I was going to be there until nine at night. Zach was like "I’ll come" and he did, but not only that, but on the way home he said, "I think I’m going to come tomorrow too." And he did. (:

That night when he got home God started to speak into him again and tell him things about his future and as we were talking about it I just began to cry, because I’ve been waiting to witness this for such a long time that I had become so overwhelmed with what was happening right before my eyes I almost couldn’t believe it. I just began to thank God for Zach and for the impact I had with him. & then Zach began to come every weekend and I saw him pressing into God more than I had ever seen before and I loved it and thanked God over and over again for what was going on in his life.

Finally last weekend Zach said "I want to show I’m serious about this and I want people to know that I’m not kidding when I say that I want to turn my life around I want to actually do it." & the next day they had a baptism and I told him he should do it and he said ‘I think I want to.’ The next night I was an emotional basket case because of how much God was doing in his life that I just began to weep over all the countless years of praying for him. When it came time for the baptism I looked over at him and he was so nervous and I said to him "you can take one person up there with you to help baptize you" and he said "will you come with me?" And me being me began to cry and I said yes and as we walked up to the tank to baptize him I felt the presence of God in a way I have never felt. I felt like God was smiling ear to ear when he walked into that tank. & the devil was freakin out hard core that for once he wasn't claiming victory over Zach's life, the victory was God's like it's always should be. When I got to baptize him with Pastor Gerry I was so honored to be standing by his side that day and be a part of it with him. It was a process for me that was a long one, but a very powerful one. (: God showed me that night that my years of praying paid off and he just kept saying ‘all I told you to do was trust me’ (:

I could not be any happier than I am right now. God has been working through me in so many ways these past few weeks and I am so happy for that. God’s given me new eyes to see things and one of the biggest things that I am incredibly thankful for that he gave me, was a second chance to be best friends with Zach again. It seriously means the world to have that boy back in my life and to see how much God is shining through him lately is so inspirational. (: God’s doing some amazing things in his life and I am incredibly blessed to even be a part of it.

He is such a blessing in my life and I honestly don’t know what I’d do without him. I’m glad God answered my prayer to bringing someone in my life to help me and I’m thankful that the answer to my prayer was Zach, because I wouldn’t want anyone else as my best friend. (:  I’m extremely excited to watch God work in him over these next few months and especially years, it’s going to be amazing I know that. I thank God every day for him, and I'm thankful to be able to call him my best friend once again. I really do love him so so much! (:

A Year Without Dating

Over these past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. During this fast I’ve had a lot of struggles and temptations with many things and I’ve overcome a lot of them. But, as I’ve been praying lately I’ve felt like God has been calling me to something big.

We started our 40 days of purpose fast sometime in March well around a week before I started my fast I had a problem with a boy that caused me to become distracted in every way possible. 

I was hurt and I didn’t know how to react and I kind of blamed God because I always do when times get hard. Well, this one wasn’t God’s fault.

God was trying to show me that I was trying to search for love in all the wrong way and that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with that person until I got the okay from Him and I was rushing that’s why things weren’t working out.

(This is not a blog to bash this guy in any way. He is a great guy and I care about him very much to this day. This is about what God has been teaching me.)

Anyways, a few days after our fast started we had our first presentation for our life formations class due and the night before I was emotional basket case because of all the hurt I was feeling and the love I wasn’t feeling. When I was trying to prepare for my presentation I honestly couldn’t think of anything at all to talk about and I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth what I wanted to say to put on my paper.

 Well, when I was giving my presentation I began talking about God’s love and His peace and I started to feel it rushing over me in that moment. I almost couldn’t continue with my presentation because God’s love was so strongly around me. All I could do is stand there and soak it in and the rest of the day I was so in awe of God’s love for me. It was love I hadn’t felt in months because I had been so distracted by this guy and so many other things and trying to feel love in so many other ways. But, the love of God is the only love that could make me feel so at peace like that.

That night I was journaling, which I do every night and I felt like God was calling me to commit to say that I won’t date for 3 months and at first I hesitated to say yes because I really did want things to work for me and this guy, but then I prayed about it and thought it would be the best thing for me so I started that commitment and I held to it.

As I continued the fast I was no longer talking to that boy and I felt like God was saying to me “Even though you aren’t talking I still want you to fast trying to contacting him and I want you to pray for him and that’s all. No text no calls nothing.” Wow, was that hard to hear for me. This guy was so involved in my life the past few months and I really cared about him and to not contact him at all. It was tough, but I did it.

So for 40 days I fasted contacting him all together and I prayed for him almost daily and I prayed God would reveal things to him in ways he never imagined. It was hard not to give him a call some days and see how he was or tell him what I felt like God was telling me, but I fought through it. I have yet to contact him I’m waiting for God to give me the okay that. I want to make sure it’s God’s hearts passion and not mine.

This past week as I’ve been waiting for this fast to end I’ve been really thinking about this whole not dating for 3 months thing and thinking of how already how much of a struggle it is and how I’ve already needed God’s guidance. But, God has reminded me that every day we are supposed to be asking for His guidance not just on dating fasts, but in everyday life.

As I was praying the other night about the 3 month fast God said to me “how do you feel if we did a year of no dating?” & my first response was “Man you crazy?!?! I just said I can’t even handle 3 months and you want me to do a freakin year. Heck no brother!”

  All I heard was silence after that.

 Then God said “You didn’t hear me. I said how do you feel if WE did a year of no dating. Meaning I’m going to be there every single day, every step of the way guiding you, picking you up when you fall. I’m going to dry your eyes when you cry and I’m going to help you up when your too weak and when you’re having your good days I’m going to be marching beside you hand in hand telling everyone how proud I am of you. I will never let you down. Keep your eyes on me and you will not fail, ever.”

So I thought about it and I remembered something my grandmother said to me before she died, she said, “Kimmy, I don’t think I’m going to make it to your wedding so I need you to do me a favor and marry a good man for me who takes care of you and loves you and who keeps Jesus first in his life.” & that’s what I’m going to do I’m taking this year to focus on me and focus on my relationship with God and to wait for the right guy to come into my life because I’m sick of doing relationships the wrong way I want to do them the way God wants me to. Even though that may sound silly coming from me because my relationships haven’t been as typical as what you’d call everyone else’s. I have never even kissed a boy and honestly in a world like this I’m proud of myself for that because in today’s society that is saying a lot about a person.

So over this next year I am going to work on trying to figure out how to work with God and I’s relationship and building that stronger and then we’ll add in a fellow when the time is right. (:

I want to become a girl so lost in God that a man has to fall in love with Him before ever getting to my heart. That’s the kind of man I want to marry, a man in love with God and in love with me. Exactly how my grandmother would have wanted it. I don’t want to waste my time dealing with little crushes anymore that end up changing day to day, I want this year to teach me what’s next in my life and what type of person God is planning me to be with because I know it’s going to be someone amazing. (:

My fast officially started March 23^rd 2011 and it will end March 23^rd 2012. I’m going to need a lot of accountability on this. I can’t wait to see what God does through this year. (:

The end

Today was our last Life Formations class and honestly it's an emotional time for me because it's a time i know that this year of Master's is coming to a end and in a way I'm ready for and in other ways I feel I'm not.

I've learned so much over the past few months of Master's and honestly the Life Formations class was my favorite class and it was probably the class I learned the most in. God really stretched me in this class and Al was so amazing at teaching it and was so good and really putting things into words that we could understand and relate to.

I am really going to miss a lot about this school year. Especially a lot of people, including all our teachers because they each left a special impact on my life. This semester God has really been able to open up doors for me to see new things which is what I've been waiting for.

I was very stubborn in the beginning of this semester just trying to get through day by day not really living to see what God had in store for me. But, God revealed a lot to me over just this past month that I never even knew about myself and it's stuff I'll hold onto the rest of my life.

So I want to personally thank Al for teaching life formations, you have no idea how you and the way you taught that class changed my life. I've grown in so many ways. Thank you so much! Your class was definitely my favorite.

This semester has changed my life. God has revealed so much to me we'll see what He has in store for next school year whether that includes coming back for a 2nd year of Master's or not.

Hey girl heyyyy!

Let me tell you a story about 3 of my best friends ! :)




Bonalanadingdong!

Oh this lady! I love her so! She has the light of God shining all around her! God really had a plan when He brought Bonnie to GMC this year! She is very special to me in so many ways. I know God has a very special calling on her life and I know she is going to do amazing things with her life. This year she has helped me overcome so many struggles and barriers that I could never overcome on my own and I am truly honored to call her one of my best friends! She is one of the sweetest people I know and I am forever grateful for her in my life. I love her more than words can say. Her friendship is so very precious to me in so many ways. I don't think she will ever understand how much she truly means to me. All our little inside jokes, and our weeks we got to spend together living as little adults. I'll miss her this summer as we go our separate ways. I believe God will have us be friends for a long time though so I'm not worried. I love you so much baby b <3


Caitlyn!

This girl is one of the strongest people I know. She has been through so much over the past year, yet I still see her standing. She has such a heart after God which is so amazing to me! I think God really has something special He is going to do with her life. She has a very special gift of helping people when they are in need of some help of any kind. She's always willing to lend a hand. She's a sweetheart. I'm glad God brought her in my life here at Gettysburg Master's. I love you Caitlyn <3


Kriston!

This girl is my best friend in the world! She has helped through everything and anything this school year. She is the best ever. God has given her a great ear to listen to me complain all the time. I know she has to get sick of me whining all the time. I know I can be a pain at times, but she still loves me anyways. The craziest things always happen when I'm with her. We are always the ones most likely to get in trouble the most. We are constantly laughing together and it's something I love about our friendship because we are constantly always trying to get each other to laugh or smile. We are so crazy together. I am so glad she is apart of my life. I love you so much best friend <3

I don't know what I'd do without these ladies! They are amazing & I'm glad God brought them into my life. :)

My baby girls!

                                        These little girls are my life!
                              I love them so much, I don't know what I'd do without them!
                              I can't wait to see where God takes them in the future!
                                        They are so precious to me!
  God has blessed me with two amazing bundles of joy in my life and I'm forever gratful for both of them! They are a HUGE part of my life and I can't imagine my life without them. I thank God for them evertyday <3

Healing

Last  night I was lying in bed and I started to think of my grandmother, I thought I wonder if she’d be proud of me for what I’m doing or what I’m called to do? I was thinking I wonder if she would approve of the people I've been talking to or the friendships or relationships I've been involved with.

Now you have to understand something this woman was my absolute best friend in the world and I did everything with her. Her and I were literally glued at the hip and always with each other. Whenever I had a problem I’d always call her first.

I was really strung up on some stuff last night that I couldn’t overcome and for the first time in about a year and a half all I wanted to do was call my grandmother and just cry to her like I used to. But, I couldn’t. It’s been about two and a half years since she passed away and I’m missing her now more than ever for some reason.

I wanted her to be with me last night because I was feeling completely restless and I knew she would just sit and comfort me if she was there.

& then as I was laying there I began to cry because for some reason the pain became so strong and I didn’t know why. ..Until God showed me the answer..

For the past few months all I’ve wanted was to feel love and to know that the love was true and my grandmother was the only person in my past that truly made me feel that way. She gave me hope and made my future look bright to me.

I wanted someone to comfort me for so long that I wasn’t focused on the fact that God has been there with me all the way comforting me and holding me up.

The times I’ve felt alone He’s been there. Last night as I laid in bed I was so shook up for the moment and I didn’t understand why. I began to not only miss my grandmother, but many people from my past that I had had a very deep connection with, especially people who I’ve lost in contact recently with the last few months..

I don’t know why God brought those people to mind, I hadn’t been thinking about them in months, but I believe God had a reason for it.

Sometimes I feel like God gives me the tears of the people around me who can’t cry the tears themselves because they don’t see what they are doing. That would explain a lot of tears in the past. God has given me the gift to feel a lot of what other people are going through I just sometimes blow it off. But, last night was stronger than ever.

I was finally able to calm down and get some sleep after I prayed and asked God for comfort through what I was feeling.

I know God has a reason why He does this. Today I’m still feeling the pain I was feeling last night really heavy, but at the same time I’m also very at peace. Because I have no control of the situations in the other people’s lives so I have no way of saying I understand completely what they are going through. But, I know that the God who has comforted me can comfort them and can heal them and bring them out of the dark areas in their lives.

As I was driving to church this morning a verse was read on the radio station and I've known this verse forever pretty much because i remember being very young and Evangelist Reggie Dabbs did a sermon on it.

The verse is Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

& the song Restoration started to play in my head where it says,

 "You take my mourning and turn it into dancing,

You take my weeping and turn it into laughing,

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing,

You take my sadness and turn it into joy.

Hallelujah you make all things new."

This song has been really speaking to me over the past few weeks and I believe God has really been showing me a lot because He is preparing me for something greater than I can imagine.

 

Hope

This past week God has really broken me in so many ways.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been incredibly stressed out with so much stuff that i didn't know at the time, but really that was overpowering my life.

I let so much of the crap in my life get into me and take control of my life that I didn’t know how to get out of it anymore.

I felt like I lost everyone and I couldn’t trust anyone and I had completely lost hope in everyone around me. I felt so much hurt and pain, but I hid behind a fake smile and told everyone I was okay when honestly deep down I was spiritually killing myself.

I had completely given up on God all together and I didn’t understand what God was trying to teach me or why I was being tested with all the junk I was going through.

I had really bought into the lies that I really wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything and that no guy would ever want to be with me because I’m not like other girls.

 …that I didn’t have a future after Master’s Commission.

 I believed that no one had faith in me anymore and everyone had given up on me so I might as well give up on myself.

I thought that there was no point in following after God because I felt like He was never going to tell me what He wanted me to do with my life.

I was really broken and honestly the only way I can describe it is I felt like I had spiritually and emotionally died to myself. I had completely given up on myself what so ever.

I lost all hope in everything around me.

This week God has completely has changed me.

On Sunday Pastor Gerry spoke about conquering  our fears and not letting them overcome our lives and I had a very close friend of mine come and pray for me when I was up at the alter praying and he asked me what are you so afraid that’s blocking you from God and the only answer I had to give was I’m afraid of everything lately.

& that’s when for the first time in the past few weeks that I heard God really speak to me and say “Kimmy you have to let it go. Don’t be afraid anymore.”

After the service the friend came up to me and without knowing what I was feeling that day, he looked me straight in the eyes and said “You need to know that it’s not your fault and you need to stop blaming yourself for the things of your past that you have no control over” & that’s when I heard God again say “Things are about to change, really fast. Get ready.”  

I was terrified I wanted nothing to do with change I had become so secure in my own isolated bubble that I didn’t want to get out of it.

Well that night I had started to see really that I was physically hurting myself and I had given up completely and I was starting to feel not okay with that.

Emotionally I lost it all. I couldn’t even feel the pain anymore.

Monday morning I had come into our morning prayer with a really heavy heart. I came in really early like I always do before the rest of the girls and I heard God say “You ready?”

Well during that prayer time God completely broke down my wall of pride and I had this image in my head the whole time of me walking up to Jesus filthy dirty carrying all these weights on my back and He came over to me just holding my face telling me how much he loved me and telling me how much of an amazing plan for my life.

As He was explaining all the things He had planned He was taking one weight off at a time and walking up a hill and putting them at the foot of the cross building a wall on each side.

Each weight had a word on it and as He set them at the cross they would change, such as…

Ugly – Beautiful

Broken – Whole

Unloved - Loved

Forgotten – Cherished

Unworthy-Treasured

Lost-Found

Hostage-Set Free

There were many more this was only a few.

I didn’t realize how much crap I was really carrying on my back.

As He took each of them off I literally felt them getting off me as I was sitting crying here in the sanctuary.

When He was all done I was there completely clean and God came back down the hill and came and held my hand and walked me back up the hill and we just stood and looked at the walls on each side of the cross. Until finally He said,

“Kim, I died for you for a reason. I didn’t do it just to do it. You need to realize that this is where you need to come every day and drop off your junk. You don’t need to carry the load by yourself. You truly are precious and you have a great calling on your life and I don’t want you to lose vision of that. Please don’t give up, keep pushing on I’m here to catch you when you fall. You put way to much stress on yourself when you did nothing wrong. You just take the blame because you feel like that’s the right thing to do so other people don’t have to deal with the consequences of their sins, but that’s not your role to play.  Don’t you ever forget that I died because I love you more than anything I ever created and you’re going to touch so many lives, but only if you trust me.”

As I heard God speaking these words over me I started to feel alive again and I felt like my life started to have meaning again. The dead soul that I had had came back to life. God broke down the walls and I overcame my fears and my doubts about myself. For the first time in months I felt like I was free and I had a purpose again.

 Last night my dad called and he is so amazing. He spoke to me and he helped me overcome a lot over of my fears I've had over the past few weeks without even realizing he was. He told me the same thing my friend told me and said "It's not your fault." & that's when it hit me. All the crap in my past really wasn't my fault and i had put that as my main focus that it was.

& since then God has continued to show his amazing mercy and show how good He is because so much that I was struggling with God has answered in so many ways only in the past two days.

I have an amazing opportunity to do something that I’ve wanted to do my whole life. God had a door open today that I’m very excited about opening that new chapter in my life.

I know now that this summer is the start of the amazing plans for my future.

I have hope again.

 God is so good to me. I don’t know where I’d be without Him. I’m going after my calling and I’m going to do what Christ has asked me to do and I know the road won’t be smooth sailing the whole time,  but even in those hard times I’m going to learn to praise God for the victories He’s going to have come out of those struggles.

A Beautiful Masterpiece

Today i have been sitting here dwelling on a lot of things God has done in my life recently and I've notice just how much I have changed over the past month of my life.

I have noticed where I have struggled greatly with many things over the past few weeks and where I have also conquered those weaknesses.

I have so much on my mind lately that sometimes I've noticed myself losing focus on why I'm here and why I'm doing some of the things I'm doing.

I think so often we get in these mind sets that we aren't good enough for a certain job, or a person and then we get into these little pity parties we throw for ourselves..

We lose our focus. 

We sometimes get so side tracked with the little distractions of life that we miss the beautiful picture of our lives that  God is trying to paint.

The struggles we go through and the pain we have to have is sometimes just a test for us to take our eyes off the picture God is helping us paint of our lives.

When i envision God sometimes, I see him sitting in front of this massive canvas with a art pallet with hundreds of colors and he's holding a paint brush and he's saying "Welp, what are we going to paint next?”

Then some days I imagine Him coming over and picking me up and setting me on His knee saying, “How about you try it today and I’ll sit and guide you.” & He passes me the brush for me to add in some color.

But once I’m done with my color and done of what I think would be the perfect picture God comes in and holds my hand with the brush and guides it and corrects it into this beautiful masterpiece I could have never accomplished by myself.

He takes away the mistakes and the times I ran down the page. He cleans it up and holds my hand steady when I get shaky and scared I’m going to mess up.

To go back to what I was talking about earlier, those distractions we go through in life are the little things in the picture that God has to fix. For me God’s had a lot of fixing to do recently, but over the past few weeks the picture of my life that is on that canvas is turning into something beautiful.

I let everything get to me, such as, hurt, self-worth, anger, frustration, work, school, boys, friends, my car.  It doesn’t matter what it is, things get under my skin, but it’s only because I’m human just like everyone else I get upset and I get sidetracked and I let things go that should be done right away.

But those distractions are where God helps take control again. Sometimes when God passes off the brush we let it get to our heads and we take control of our lives and play it out how we want to see it. So once we’re done having our fun and the hurt is all over God comes in and takes his little cloth and brush and fixes the mistakes.

Isn’t it great we have a God who fixes our mistakes and who restores us? He makes all things new and He is someone who won’t leave you or let you go in those hard times you’re going through.

I’ve learned the hard way, when you’re going through hard times that you need to realize that God is with you the whole time.

He never leaves you.

Next time you’re out talking about all your problems to everyone, remember the one who is the Healer of all and who can take away that pain your feeling and wipe away those tears and hold you in his arms of love.