A Year Without Dating

Over these past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. During this fast I’ve had a lot of struggles and temptations with many things and I’ve overcome a lot of them. But, as I’ve been praying lately I’ve felt like God has been calling me to something big.

We started our 40 days of purpose fast sometime in March well around a week before I started my fast I had a problem with a boy that caused me to become distracted in every way possible. 

I was hurt and I didn’t know how to react and I kind of blamed God because I always do when times get hard. Well, this one wasn’t God’s fault.

God was trying to show me that I was trying to search for love in all the wrong way and that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with that person until I got the okay from Him and I was rushing that’s why things weren’t working out.

(This is not a blog to bash this guy in any way. He is a great guy and I care about him very much to this day. This is about what God has been teaching me.)

Anyways, a few days after our fast started we had our first presentation for our life formations class due and the night before I was emotional basket case because of all the hurt I was feeling and the love I wasn’t feeling. When I was trying to prepare for my presentation I honestly couldn’t think of anything at all to talk about and I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth what I wanted to say to put on my paper.

 Well, when I was giving my presentation I began talking about God’s love and His peace and I started to feel it rushing over me in that moment. I almost couldn’t continue with my presentation because God’s love was so strongly around me. All I could do is stand there and soak it in and the rest of the day I was so in awe of God’s love for me. It was love I hadn’t felt in months because I had been so distracted by this guy and so many other things and trying to feel love in so many other ways. But, the love of God is the only love that could make me feel so at peace like that.

That night I was journaling, which I do every night and I felt like God was calling me to commit to say that I won’t date for 3 months and at first I hesitated to say yes because I really did want things to work for me and this guy, but then I prayed about it and thought it would be the best thing for me so I started that commitment and I held to it.

As I continued the fast I was no longer talking to that boy and I felt like God was saying to me “Even though you aren’t talking I still want you to fast trying to contacting him and I want you to pray for him and that’s all. No text no calls nothing.” Wow, was that hard to hear for me. This guy was so involved in my life the past few months and I really cared about him and to not contact him at all. It was tough, but I did it.

So for 40 days I fasted contacting him all together and I prayed for him almost daily and I prayed God would reveal things to him in ways he never imagined. It was hard not to give him a call some days and see how he was or tell him what I felt like God was telling me, but I fought through it. I have yet to contact him I’m waiting for God to give me the okay that. I want to make sure it’s God’s hearts passion and not mine.

This past week as I’ve been waiting for this fast to end I’ve been really thinking about this whole not dating for 3 months thing and thinking of how already how much of a struggle it is and how I’ve already needed God’s guidance. But, God has reminded me that every day we are supposed to be asking for His guidance not just on dating fasts, but in everyday life.

As I was praying the other night about the 3 month fast God said to me “how do you feel if we did a year of no dating?” & my first response was “Man you crazy?!?! I just said I can’t even handle 3 months and you want me to do a freakin year. Heck no brother!”

  All I heard was silence after that.

 Then God said “You didn’t hear me. I said how do you feel if WE did a year of no dating. Meaning I’m going to be there every single day, every step of the way guiding you, picking you up when you fall. I’m going to dry your eyes when you cry and I’m going to help you up when your too weak and when you’re having your good days I’m going to be marching beside you hand in hand telling everyone how proud I am of you. I will never let you down. Keep your eyes on me and you will not fail, ever.”

So I thought about it and I remembered something my grandmother said to me before she died, she said, “Kimmy, I don’t think I’m going to make it to your wedding so I need you to do me a favor and marry a good man for me who takes care of you and loves you and who keeps Jesus first in his life.” & that’s what I’m going to do I’m taking this year to focus on me and focus on my relationship with God and to wait for the right guy to come into my life because I’m sick of doing relationships the wrong way I want to do them the way God wants me to. Even though that may sound silly coming from me because my relationships haven’t been as typical as what you’d call everyone else’s. I have never even kissed a boy and honestly in a world like this I’m proud of myself for that because in today’s society that is saying a lot about a person.

So over this next year I am going to work on trying to figure out how to work with God and I’s relationship and building that stronger and then we’ll add in a fellow when the time is right. (:

I want to become a girl so lost in God that a man has to fall in love with Him before ever getting to my heart. That’s the kind of man I want to marry, a man in love with God and in love with me. Exactly how my grandmother would have wanted it. I don’t want to waste my time dealing with little crushes anymore that end up changing day to day, I want this year to teach me what’s next in my life and what type of person God is planning me to be with because I know it’s going to be someone amazing. (:

My fast officially started March 23^rd 2011 and it will end March 23^rd 2012. I’m going to need a lot of accountability on this. I can’t wait to see what God does through this year. (:

The end

Today was our last Life Formations class and honestly it's an emotional time for me because it's a time i know that this year of Master's is coming to a end and in a way I'm ready for and in other ways I feel I'm not.

I've learned so much over the past few months of Master's and honestly the Life Formations class was my favorite class and it was probably the class I learned the most in. God really stretched me in this class and Al was so amazing at teaching it and was so good and really putting things into words that we could understand and relate to.

I am really going to miss a lot about this school year. Especially a lot of people, including all our teachers because they each left a special impact on my life. This semester God has really been able to open up doors for me to see new things which is what I've been waiting for.

I was very stubborn in the beginning of this semester just trying to get through day by day not really living to see what God had in store for me. But, God revealed a lot to me over just this past month that I never even knew about myself and it's stuff I'll hold onto the rest of my life.

So I want to personally thank Al for teaching life formations, you have no idea how you and the way you taught that class changed my life. I've grown in so many ways. Thank you so much! Your class was definitely my favorite.

This semester has changed my life. God has revealed so much to me we'll see what He has in store for next school year whether that includes coming back for a 2nd year of Master's or not.

Hey girl heyyyy!

Let me tell you a story about 3 of my best friends ! :)




Bonalanadingdong!

Oh this lady! I love her so! She has the light of God shining all around her! God really had a plan when He brought Bonnie to GMC this year! She is very special to me in so many ways. I know God has a very special calling on her life and I know she is going to do amazing things with her life. This year she has helped me overcome so many struggles and barriers that I could never overcome on my own and I am truly honored to call her one of my best friends! She is one of the sweetest people I know and I am forever grateful for her in my life. I love her more than words can say. Her friendship is so very precious to me in so many ways. I don't think she will ever understand how much she truly means to me. All our little inside jokes, and our weeks we got to spend together living as little adults. I'll miss her this summer as we go our separate ways. I believe God will have us be friends for a long time though so I'm not worried. I love you so much baby b <3


Caitlyn!

This girl is one of the strongest people I know. She has been through so much over the past year, yet I still see her standing. She has such a heart after God which is so amazing to me! I think God really has something special He is going to do with her life. She has a very special gift of helping people when they are in need of some help of any kind. She's always willing to lend a hand. She's a sweetheart. I'm glad God brought her in my life here at Gettysburg Master's. I love you Caitlyn <3


Kriston!

This girl is my best friend in the world! She has helped through everything and anything this school year. She is the best ever. God has given her a great ear to listen to me complain all the time. I know she has to get sick of me whining all the time. I know I can be a pain at times, but she still loves me anyways. The craziest things always happen when I'm with her. We are always the ones most likely to get in trouble the most. We are constantly laughing together and it's something I love about our friendship because we are constantly always trying to get each other to laugh or smile. We are so crazy together. I am so glad she is apart of my life. I love you so much best friend <3

I don't know what I'd do without these ladies! They are amazing & I'm glad God brought them into my life. :)

My baby girls!

                                        These little girls are my life!
                              I love them so much, I don't know what I'd do without them!
                              I can't wait to see where God takes them in the future!
                                        They are so precious to me!
  God has blessed me with two amazing bundles of joy in my life and I'm forever gratful for both of them! They are a HUGE part of my life and I can't imagine my life without them. I thank God for them evertyday <3

Healing

Last  night I was lying in bed and I started to think of my grandmother, I thought I wonder if she’d be proud of me for what I’m doing or what I’m called to do? I was thinking I wonder if she would approve of the people I've been talking to or the friendships or relationships I've been involved with.

Now you have to understand something this woman was my absolute best friend in the world and I did everything with her. Her and I were literally glued at the hip and always with each other. Whenever I had a problem I’d always call her first.

I was really strung up on some stuff last night that I couldn’t overcome and for the first time in about a year and a half all I wanted to do was call my grandmother and just cry to her like I used to. But, I couldn’t. It’s been about two and a half years since she passed away and I’m missing her now more than ever for some reason.

I wanted her to be with me last night because I was feeling completely restless and I knew she would just sit and comfort me if she was there.

& then as I was laying there I began to cry because for some reason the pain became so strong and I didn’t know why. ..Until God showed me the answer..

For the past few months all I’ve wanted was to feel love and to know that the love was true and my grandmother was the only person in my past that truly made me feel that way. She gave me hope and made my future look bright to me.

I wanted someone to comfort me for so long that I wasn’t focused on the fact that God has been there with me all the way comforting me and holding me up.

The times I’ve felt alone He’s been there. Last night as I laid in bed I was so shook up for the moment and I didn’t understand why. I began to not only miss my grandmother, but many people from my past that I had had a very deep connection with, especially people who I’ve lost in contact recently with the last few months..

I don’t know why God brought those people to mind, I hadn’t been thinking about them in months, but I believe God had a reason for it.

Sometimes I feel like God gives me the tears of the people around me who can’t cry the tears themselves because they don’t see what they are doing. That would explain a lot of tears in the past. God has given me the gift to feel a lot of what other people are going through I just sometimes blow it off. But, last night was stronger than ever.

I was finally able to calm down and get some sleep after I prayed and asked God for comfort through what I was feeling.

I know God has a reason why He does this. Today I’m still feeling the pain I was feeling last night really heavy, but at the same time I’m also very at peace. Because I have no control of the situations in the other people’s lives so I have no way of saying I understand completely what they are going through. But, I know that the God who has comforted me can comfort them and can heal them and bring them out of the dark areas in their lives.

As I was driving to church this morning a verse was read on the radio station and I've known this verse forever pretty much because i remember being very young and Evangelist Reggie Dabbs did a sermon on it.

The verse is Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

& the song Restoration started to play in my head where it says,

 "You take my mourning and turn it into dancing,

You take my weeping and turn it into laughing,

You take my mourning and turn it into dancing,

You take my sadness and turn it into joy.

Hallelujah you make all things new."

This song has been really speaking to me over the past few weeks and I believe God has really been showing me a lot because He is preparing me for something greater than I can imagine.

 

Hope

This past week God has really broken me in so many ways.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been incredibly stressed out with so much stuff that i didn't know at the time, but really that was overpowering my life.

I let so much of the crap in my life get into me and take control of my life that I didn’t know how to get out of it anymore.

I felt like I lost everyone and I couldn’t trust anyone and I had completely lost hope in everyone around me. I felt so much hurt and pain, but I hid behind a fake smile and told everyone I was okay when honestly deep down I was spiritually killing myself.

I had completely given up on God all together and I didn’t understand what God was trying to teach me or why I was being tested with all the junk I was going through.

I had really bought into the lies that I really wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything and that no guy would ever want to be with me because I’m not like other girls.

 …that I didn’t have a future after Master’s Commission.

 I believed that no one had faith in me anymore and everyone had given up on me so I might as well give up on myself.

I thought that there was no point in following after God because I felt like He was never going to tell me what He wanted me to do with my life.

I was really broken and honestly the only way I can describe it is I felt like I had spiritually and emotionally died to myself. I had completely given up on myself what so ever.

I lost all hope in everything around me.

This week God has completely has changed me.

On Sunday Pastor Gerry spoke about conquering  our fears and not letting them overcome our lives and I had a very close friend of mine come and pray for me when I was up at the alter praying and he asked me what are you so afraid that’s blocking you from God and the only answer I had to give was I’m afraid of everything lately.

& that’s when for the first time in the past few weeks that I heard God really speak to me and say “Kimmy you have to let it go. Don’t be afraid anymore.”

After the service the friend came up to me and without knowing what I was feeling that day, he looked me straight in the eyes and said “You need to know that it’s not your fault and you need to stop blaming yourself for the things of your past that you have no control over” & that’s when I heard God again say “Things are about to change, really fast. Get ready.”  

I was terrified I wanted nothing to do with change I had become so secure in my own isolated bubble that I didn’t want to get out of it.

Well that night I had started to see really that I was physically hurting myself and I had given up completely and I was starting to feel not okay with that.

Emotionally I lost it all. I couldn’t even feel the pain anymore.

Monday morning I had come into our morning prayer with a really heavy heart. I came in really early like I always do before the rest of the girls and I heard God say “You ready?”

Well during that prayer time God completely broke down my wall of pride and I had this image in my head the whole time of me walking up to Jesus filthy dirty carrying all these weights on my back and He came over to me just holding my face telling me how much he loved me and telling me how much of an amazing plan for my life.

As He was explaining all the things He had planned He was taking one weight off at a time and walking up a hill and putting them at the foot of the cross building a wall on each side.

Each weight had a word on it and as He set them at the cross they would change, such as…

Ugly – Beautiful

Broken – Whole

Unloved - Loved

Forgotten – Cherished

Unworthy-Treasured

Lost-Found

Hostage-Set Free

There were many more this was only a few.

I didn’t realize how much crap I was really carrying on my back.

As He took each of them off I literally felt them getting off me as I was sitting crying here in the sanctuary.

When He was all done I was there completely clean and God came back down the hill and came and held my hand and walked me back up the hill and we just stood and looked at the walls on each side of the cross. Until finally He said,

“Kim, I died for you for a reason. I didn’t do it just to do it. You need to realize that this is where you need to come every day and drop off your junk. You don’t need to carry the load by yourself. You truly are precious and you have a great calling on your life and I don’t want you to lose vision of that. Please don’t give up, keep pushing on I’m here to catch you when you fall. You put way to much stress on yourself when you did nothing wrong. You just take the blame because you feel like that’s the right thing to do so other people don’t have to deal with the consequences of their sins, but that’s not your role to play.  Don’t you ever forget that I died because I love you more than anything I ever created and you’re going to touch so many lives, but only if you trust me.”

As I heard God speaking these words over me I started to feel alive again and I felt like my life started to have meaning again. The dead soul that I had had came back to life. God broke down the walls and I overcame my fears and my doubts about myself. For the first time in months I felt like I was free and I had a purpose again.

 Last night my dad called and he is so amazing. He spoke to me and he helped me overcome a lot over of my fears I've had over the past few weeks without even realizing he was. He told me the same thing my friend told me and said "It's not your fault." & that's when it hit me. All the crap in my past really wasn't my fault and i had put that as my main focus that it was.

& since then God has continued to show his amazing mercy and show how good He is because so much that I was struggling with God has answered in so many ways only in the past two days.

I have an amazing opportunity to do something that I’ve wanted to do my whole life. God had a door open today that I’m very excited about opening that new chapter in my life.

I know now that this summer is the start of the amazing plans for my future.

I have hope again.

 God is so good to me. I don’t know where I’d be without Him. I’m going after my calling and I’m going to do what Christ has asked me to do and I know the road won’t be smooth sailing the whole time,  but even in those hard times I’m going to learn to praise God for the victories He’s going to have come out of those struggles.

A Beautiful Masterpiece

Today i have been sitting here dwelling on a lot of things God has done in my life recently and I've notice just how much I have changed over the past month of my life.

I have noticed where I have struggled greatly with many things over the past few weeks and where I have also conquered those weaknesses.

I have so much on my mind lately that sometimes I've noticed myself losing focus on why I'm here and why I'm doing some of the things I'm doing.

I think so often we get in these mind sets that we aren't good enough for a certain job, or a person and then we get into these little pity parties we throw for ourselves..

We lose our focus. 

We sometimes get so side tracked with the little distractions of life that we miss the beautiful picture of our lives that  God is trying to paint.

The struggles we go through and the pain we have to have is sometimes just a test for us to take our eyes off the picture God is helping us paint of our lives.

When i envision God sometimes, I see him sitting in front of this massive canvas with a art pallet with hundreds of colors and he's holding a paint brush and he's saying "Welp, what are we going to paint next?”

Then some days I imagine Him coming over and picking me up and setting me on His knee saying, “How about you try it today and I’ll sit and guide you.” & He passes me the brush for me to add in some color.

But once I’m done with my color and done of what I think would be the perfect picture God comes in and holds my hand with the brush and guides it and corrects it into this beautiful masterpiece I could have never accomplished by myself.

He takes away the mistakes and the times I ran down the page. He cleans it up and holds my hand steady when I get shaky and scared I’m going to mess up.

To go back to what I was talking about earlier, those distractions we go through in life are the little things in the picture that God has to fix. For me God’s had a lot of fixing to do recently, but over the past few weeks the picture of my life that is on that canvas is turning into something beautiful.

I let everything get to me, such as, hurt, self-worth, anger, frustration, work, school, boys, friends, my car.  It doesn’t matter what it is, things get under my skin, but it’s only because I’m human just like everyone else I get upset and I get sidetracked and I let things go that should be done right away.

But those distractions are where God helps take control again. Sometimes when God passes off the brush we let it get to our heads and we take control of our lives and play it out how we want to see it. So once we’re done having our fun and the hurt is all over God comes in and takes his little cloth and brush and fixes the mistakes.

Isn’t it great we have a God who fixes our mistakes and who restores us? He makes all things new and He is someone who won’t leave you or let you go in those hard times you’re going through.

I’ve learned the hard way, when you’re going through hard times that you need to realize that God is with you the whole time.

He never leaves you.

Next time you’re out talking about all your problems to everyone, remember the one who is the Healer of all and who can take away that pain your feeling and wipe away those tears and hold you in his arms of love.