Monday, May 2, 2011

A Year Without Dating

Over these past few weeks I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. During this fast I’ve had a lot of struggles and temptations with many things and I’ve overcome a lot of them. But, as I’ve been praying lately I’ve felt like God has been calling me to something big.
We started our 40 days of purpose fast sometime in March well around a week before I started my fast I had a problem with a boy that caused me to become distracted in every way possible. 
I was hurt and I didn’t know how to react and I kind of blamed God because I always do when times get hard. Well, this one wasn’t God’s fault.
God was trying to show me that I was trying to search for love in all the wrong way and that I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with that person until I got the okay from Him and I was rushing that’s why things weren’t working out.
(This is not a blog to bash this guy in any way. He is a great guy and I care about him very much to this day. This is about what God has been teaching me.)
Anyways, a few days after our fast started we had our first presentation for our life formations class due and the night before I was emotional basket case because of all the hurt I was feeling and the love I wasn’t feeling. When I was trying to prepare for my presentation I honestly couldn’t think of anything at all to talk about and I couldn’t get the words to come out of my mouth what I wanted to say to put on my paper.
 Well, when I was giving my presentation I began talking about God’s love and His peace and I started to feel it rushing over me in that moment. I almost couldn’t continue with my presentation because God’s love was so strongly around me. All I could do is stand there and soak it in and the rest of the day I was so in awe of God’s love for me. It was love I hadn’t felt in months because I had been so distracted by this guy and so many other things and trying to feel love in so many other ways. But, the love of God is the only love that could make me feel so at peace like that.
That night I was journaling, which I do every night and I felt like God was calling me to commit to say that I won’t date for 3 months and at first I hesitated to say yes because I really did want things to work for me and this guy, but then I prayed about it and thought it would be the best thing for me so I started that commitment and I held to it.
As I continued the fast I was no longer talking to that boy and I felt like God was saying to me “Even though you aren’t talking I still want you to fast trying to contacting him and I want you to pray for him and that’s all. No text no calls nothing.” Wow, was that hard to hear for me. This guy was so involved in my life the past few months and I really cared about him and to not contact him at all. It was tough, but I did it.
So for 40 days I fasted contacting him all together and I prayed for him almost daily and I prayed God would reveal things to him in ways he never imagined. It was hard not to give him a call some days and see how he was or tell him what I felt like God was telling me, but I fought through it. I have yet to contact him I’m waiting for God to give me the okay that. I want to make sure it’s God’s hearts passion and not mine.
This past week as I’ve been waiting for this fast to end I’ve been really thinking about this whole not dating for 3 months thing and thinking of how already how much of a struggle it is and how I’ve already needed God’s guidance. But, God has reminded me that every day we are supposed to be asking for His guidance not just on dating fasts, but in everyday life.
As I was praying the other night about the 3 month fast God said to me “how do you feel if we did a year of no dating?” & my first response was “Man you crazy?!?! I just said I can’t even handle 3 months and you want me to do a freakin year. Heck no brother!”
  All I heard was silence after that.
 Then God said “You didn’t hear me. I said how do you feel if WE did a year of no dating. Meaning I’m going to be there every single day, every step of the way guiding you, picking you up when you fall. I’m going to dry your eyes when you cry and I’m going to help you up when your too weak and when you’re having your good days I’m going to be marching beside you hand in hand telling everyone how proud I am of you. I will never let you down. Keep your eyes on me and you will not fail, ever.”

So I thought about it and I remembered something my grandmother said to me before she died, she said, “Kimmy, I don’t think I’m going to make it to your wedding so I need you to do me a favor and marry a good man for me who takes care of you and loves you and who keeps Jesus first in his life.” & that’s what I’m going to do I’m taking this year to focus on me and focus on my relationship with God and to wait for the right guy to come into my life because I’m sick of doing relationships the wrong way I want to do them the way God wants me to. Even though that may sound silly coming from me because my relationships haven’t been as typical as what you’d call everyone else’s. I have never even kissed a boy and honestly in a world like this I’m proud of myself for that because in today’s society that is saying a lot about a person.
So over this next year I am going to work on trying to figure out how to work with God and I’s relationship and building that stronger and then we’ll add in a fellow when the time is right. (:
I want to become a girl so lost in God that a man has to fall in love with Him before ever getting to my heart. That’s the kind of man I want to marry, a man in love with God and in love with me. Exactly how my grandmother would have wanted it. I don’t want to waste my time dealing with little crushes anymore that end up changing day to day, I want this year to teach me what’s next in my life and what type of person God is planning me to be with because I know it’s going to be someone amazing. (:
My fast officially started March 23rd 2011 and it will end March 23rd 2012. I’m going to need a lot of accountability on this. I can’t wait to see what God does through this year. (: