A day of thinking...

So, today has been a pretty off day for me. I don't really know what is wrong. Everything I do i seem to be in the worst slump ever. I'm second guessing a lot of choices today. & I'm definitely over thinking everything.

I very rarely get in these moods. But, when I do even I hate to be around myself because I'm not the normal upbeat person I am all the time. I don't like being sad and depressed feeling.

God has been showing me a lot lately & I think that is part of the problem. Sometimes as Christians when God shows us or tells us things we sometimes get scared. For example when God tells me things sometimes they make me just want to cry because I don't want to do them, because usually that involves me having to change something. I think that's why I’m in this little yuck mode.

God has been showing me a lot of things I need to change and i need to work on. He's also been pushing me to use my talents and abilities he has given me instead of keeping them in. I don't do well when God tells me to open up about things sometimes. I need to work on that.

Another thing I am having trouble working on is opening up. I don't like opening up about my problems. I'm so used to say "Oh, no I’m fine" or "I don't want to talk about it. I'll be fine really". I don't like overloading people with my problems. I honestly believe that for me sometimes that if I talk about my worst fear it will become a reality and I’m absolutely terrified of that. I have a hard time trusting people as it is. Because I'm so used to having people there for me then one day just disappearing.

That is probably one of my biggest fears. That I’m going to become extremely close with someone or certain people and then they just walk out of my life. I've always had this terrible thought in the back of my mind every time i start a new friendship and i really need to pray against that & pray for God to prove me wrong. & to show me that there are people who aren't like that.

Today I realized that I can't live like this anymore. I have to be willing to open up to people and to except change because if I don't I will end up killing myself inside. Holding all my pain and suffering in only hurts one person, ME. I don't need any more pain. I also realized that no matter what things are always going to be hard. Friendships are hard. Relationships are hard at times. I can't live in the mindset though that there isn't a silver lining behind the clouds. 

I believe that God has a reason for putting me in these little moods. I've realized a lot today and God has really been stretching me. I constantly ask God "why are you letting me go through with this?" But, it's not usually the verbal answer I'm looking for, it's the physical. God has brought me to see many things this week that I didn't even notice.

On my crappiest days God can still make me smile. For example the other day i was having a day quite similar to today and I had someone come to me and thank me and tell me how special I was to them just because I wrote them a short little note and left it for them to see. God uses me as a blessing in disguise sometimes and I don't even realize it.

I pray I can still be willing to be blessing to people and still show God's love and kindness everywhere I go. Even on my bad days I hope God can always open the door for me to always be a light to someone who needs it.

God use me. My desire is to be used by you no matter what I'm going through.