You're not alone.

When sitting in the class the other day all I kept saying was "dang it this class always hits me where it hurts." It's always right at the moment usually when I need to hear something most that God opens the door for it to be heard.

So often I live in this little mind set of setting goals to get done each day the night before, but there are those days that some things just go wrong and it completely throws me off my whole schedule.Whether it be big or small it still throws me off track every time.

The video we watched in class the other day was talking about how when we usually face suffering we aren't alone even when we think we are.This is something I have personally struggled with believing.

Over the past few years I've been through a lot. It all started when my grandmother passed away in 2008. It was honestly the hardest thing for me. She was my absolute best friend. The person I told EVERYTHING to. I became so angry at God and I kept yelling at him all the time saying "God, why did you take her? It wasn't her time. I still needed her to help me. I still need her to guide me. God, why are doing this to me?"

I asked those questions everyday for 3 months. I became so angry at everyone. I didn't understand what God was doing to me. I became completely numb to every emotion. It took 3 months of depression and anger to take me to the point til I was finally ready to fall down at the feet of the cross and feel the emotions again and have God take the pain away.

The emptiness I had inside after my grandmother died, I had to let God fill with His love and strength. It was hard, but God still prevailed and helped me fight to stay out of falling into depression again.

Well thinking everything would all be better after that I get back into the real world, trying to follow after God everyday. I became distracted with things. Such as my friends for example and all their problems. I let all of the things my friends were going through take my focus off God and instead of first going to God and asking what I should do I did the dumb thing and tried to fix everything myself. It became extremely hard for me when I realized that every person in my life that I was close to at the time was using me as a crutch more than they were using  me as a friend. I started to feel betrayed and used.

It only got worse and worse over the past 2 years. Every person that I loved and cared about the most were either dealing with drugs, alcohol, sex, relationship problems, family problems and things way worse even though thank God I was never involved personally with any of that, it was still a huge burden on me this passed summer.

Once again I had fallen into the same pattern I was in before. Completely numb to the emotions, putting others before myself, living life to only make others feel good. I had completely forgot God was even there to be honest. I lived in this little world that I literally had everyone come to me dump out all there problems on me, I'd do everything in my power to fix it then they'd come back the next week with something new.

Until finally one day it all went away. I lost everything I thought that mattered to me. Every friend I thought always cared about me, left me with no excuses and I felt like I had no one. Again I found myself in the same situation not to long before this time, but this time I was beyond pissed off at God. Saying "God I don't get it! I don't know what you're trying to do this time! I don't get why all you do is take, take, take from me! I can't play this game anymore. I'm done pretending to be happy. What do you want from me?"

Here's the funny about God if you ask Him a question, he'll give you an answer. In that moment I started to see flashbacks of my life with those friends over the last 2 years and God began to speak while I saw each scene. Each new playback God would ask me "Kim, what did they do for you after you did that? Nothing. You took up their cross that they needed to carry and they would just use you as the bridge to get to me. Tell me what is it that brought you to this place you had to fall and scream at me? Because you were betrayed and hurt and now your suffering the consequences. Well here's what it comes down to, real simple really. You either surrender your life for your friends and their needs or you surrender your life for me and I can carry you through day by day."

It took me losing everything to realize the one thing that mattered most that I was missing. It came down to me having nothing left for me to see all the sacrifices i had made, all the burdens i had carried. I completely broke down and gave God everything that night. I remember thinking I was the only one who was suffering and I heard God say to me "I'm suffering with you, but we're going to make it through this together."

It's funny how we tend to always find God in our sad moments of life. It's then we realize what were really missing to show us the comfort we  are longing for.

You know some of the people reading this may say, so what I've faced worse than you, and I'm not saying you haven't I'm sure some have. But, you also don't know my whole story so. Even though my suffering may seem small compared to some I know one thing we all suffer in some way and I know I'm not alone anymore now that I realize that. I know God is right along side of me dealing with the same things I'm dealing with, feeling the same pain I'm feeling.


This probably made no sense to anyone. Basically a small part of my past hurt all mixed up into this little blog. But, the main point I was trying to face was that, when you're suffering with something remember you are never alone. Someone is always fighting the same battle. Most importantly though remember God is fighting the battle with you and through Him we are always more than conquers. Don't give up hope. Continue to stay strong.