Hope

This past week God has really broken me in so many ways.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been incredibly stressed out with so much stuff that i didn't know at the time, but really that was overpowering my life.

I let so much of the crap in my life get into me and take control of my life that I didn’t know how to get out of it anymore.

I felt like I lost everyone and I couldn’t trust anyone and I had completely lost hope in everyone around me. I felt so much hurt and pain, but I hid behind a fake smile and told everyone I was okay when honestly deep down I was spiritually killing myself.

I had completely given up on God all together and I didn’t understand what God was trying to teach me or why I was being tested with all the junk I was going through.

I had really bought into the lies that I really wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything and that no guy would ever want to be with me because I’m not like other girls.

 …that I didn’t have a future after Master’s Commission.

 I believed that no one had faith in me anymore and everyone had given up on me so I might as well give up on myself.

I thought that there was no point in following after God because I felt like He was never going to tell me what He wanted me to do with my life.

I was really broken and honestly the only way I can describe it is I felt like I had spiritually and emotionally died to myself. I had completely given up on myself what so ever.

I lost all hope in everything around me.

This week God has completely has changed me.

On Sunday Pastor Gerry spoke about conquering  our fears and not letting them overcome our lives and I had a very close friend of mine come and pray for me when I was up at the alter praying and he asked me what are you so afraid that’s blocking you from God and the only answer I had to give was I’m afraid of everything lately.

& that’s when for the first time in the past few weeks that I heard God really speak to me and say “Kimmy you have to let it go. Don’t be afraid anymore.”

After the service the friend came up to me and without knowing what I was feeling that day, he looked me straight in the eyes and said “You need to know that it’s not your fault and you need to stop blaming yourself for the things of your past that you have no control over” & that’s when I heard God again say “Things are about to change, really fast. Get ready.”  

I was terrified I wanted nothing to do with change I had become so secure in my own isolated bubble that I didn’t want to get out of it.

Well that night I had started to see really that I was physically hurting myself and I had given up completely and I was starting to feel not okay with that.

Emotionally I lost it all. I couldn’t even feel the pain anymore.

Monday morning I had come into our morning prayer with a really heavy heart. I came in really early like I always do before the rest of the girls and I heard God say “You ready?”

Well during that prayer time God completely broke down my wall of pride and I had this image in my head the whole time of me walking up to Jesus filthy dirty carrying all these weights on my back and He came over to me just holding my face telling me how much he loved me and telling me how much of an amazing plan for my life.

As He was explaining all the things He had planned He was taking one weight off at a time and walking up a hill and putting them at the foot of the cross building a wall on each side.

Each weight had a word on it and as He set them at the cross they would change, such as…

Ugly – Beautiful

Broken – Whole

Unloved - Loved

Forgotten – Cherished

Unworthy-Treasured

Lost-Found

Hostage-Set Free

There were many more this was only a few.

I didn’t realize how much crap I was really carrying on my back.

As He took each of them off I literally felt them getting off me as I was sitting crying here in the sanctuary.

When He was all done I was there completely clean and God came back down the hill and came and held my hand and walked me back up the hill and we just stood and looked at the walls on each side of the cross. Until finally He said,

“Kim, I died for you for a reason. I didn’t do it just to do it. You need to realize that this is where you need to come every day and drop off your junk. You don’t need to carry the load by yourself. You truly are precious and you have a great calling on your life and I don’t want you to lose vision of that. Please don’t give up, keep pushing on I’m here to catch you when you fall. You put way to much stress on yourself when you did nothing wrong. You just take the blame because you feel like that’s the right thing to do so other people don’t have to deal with the consequences of their sins, but that’s not your role to play.  Don’t you ever forget that I died because I love you more than anything I ever created and you’re going to touch so many lives, but only if you trust me.”

As I heard God speaking these words over me I started to feel alive again and I felt like my life started to have meaning again. The dead soul that I had had came back to life. God broke down the walls and I overcame my fears and my doubts about myself. For the first time in months I felt like I was free and I had a purpose again.

 Last night my dad called and he is so amazing. He spoke to me and he helped me overcome a lot over of my fears I've had over the past few weeks without even realizing he was. He told me the same thing my friend told me and said "It's not your fault." & that's when it hit me. All the crap in my past really wasn't my fault and i had put that as my main focus that it was.

& since then God has continued to show his amazing mercy and show how good He is because so much that I was struggling with God has answered in so many ways only in the past two days.

I have an amazing opportunity to do something that I’ve wanted to do my whole life. God had a door open today that I’m very excited about opening that new chapter in my life.

I know now that this summer is the start of the amazing plans for my future.

I have hope again.

 God is so good to me. I don’t know where I’d be without Him. I’m going after my calling and I’m going to do what Christ has asked me to do and I know the road won’t be smooth sailing the whole time,  but even in those hard times I’m going to learn to praise God for the victories He’s going to have come out of those struggles.